Douchebag Decree

Since the violence that took place in Arizona over the weekend goes beyond the term "douche-y", and since it would be much too obvious to award the Decree to Sarah Palin for her crosshairs graphic and "blood libel" comment (let's just call her an honorary Douchebag for life), I thought I'd do a roundup of some of the most interesting and the douchiest discussions of violence, rhetoric, and totally inappropriate anti-semitic references that have come up over the last few days.

Ye Olde Douchebag Decree is going to look a little different today. We've got on our hands a bona fide REFORMED Douchebag, y'all. Call it a Christmas Miracle. Michael Moore, you are the man of the hour. Come on down! 

I don’t have to tell you that this week has been a total Wikileaks shitshow. But would anyone have guessed that the honoree for Douchebag Decree: Wikileaks Edition would be famed power feminist Naomi Wolf?

Me neither. After all, plenty of media have taken the low road in theorizing about the convenient timing of Interpol’s arrest warrant for Wikileaks head Julian Assange on two incidents of, as the official charges read, "rape, sexual molestation, and unlawful coercion." From using facetious quotes around the word "rape" to referencing one accuser’s CIA connections to making creepy jokes about the Swedish rape dismissal/descriptor "sex by surprise,"  it’s a veritable douche parade out there in blogland.

But Wolf’s supposedly humorous Huffington Post piece, "Julian Assange Captured By World’s Dating Police," proved that, despite not knowing any more about the series of incidents that led to Assange’s Dec. 7 arrest by Interpol than the rest of us (and perhaps knowing significantly less, seeing as how the sole source she linked to in the piece was Britain’s Daily Mail), she was all ready to assert her feminist cred and use it to trivialize what could indeed be valid, actionable incidents of sexual misconduct.

I have a feeling that House Majority Leader-to-be John Boehner may prove himself the worthy recipient of many a Douchebag Decree in the months and years to come, but the distinctly layered douche-osity of this story made it hard to resist awarding him the honors this week.

This week the douchetacular group Americans for Truth About Homosexuality, whose name invokes vague ideas about democracy and justice while its agenda promotes hate and intolerance, basically awarded the Douchebag Decree to itself. AFTAH encouraged the Transportation Security Administration to actively discriminate against LGBTQ workers and ban them from doing security screenings in light of the new pat-down policies in airports.

As if being a completely fictional model of unobtainable feminine domesticity weren't enough, Betty Crocker has sealed her fate as a Douchebag Decree recipient with the new PMS SOS iPhone app. Ladies, are you PMS-ing? Betty Crocker can help. By giving you coupons for brownies and tips for "crafting an apology." Oh, and there's a version for guys too!

It's Dia de los Douches here at Bitch HQ, and Clint McCance, anti-gay bigot and former school board member in Arkansas, is our Master of Ceremonies this afternoon. McCance posted the following on his facebook page in response to Spirit Day at the end of October (TRIGGER warning- warped thinking AND warped grammar)...

Oh, Ken Buck. You make my job so easy, what with your refusing to prosecute a rapist because you thought the victim had had an abortion. Maybe you've heard of the Douchebag Decree, and you got so excited that you tried to be as outrageously bigoted as possible so that we would give you a shout-out? Was that it? Or are you...oh no... you are... just a HUGE DOUCHEBAG ALL ON YOUR VERY OWN.

This week's Douchebag Decree goes to a man who used his post at CNN as a platform to rage against "illegal aliens" to the American public. If that wasn't douche-y enough for you, it has now come out that this same man has been employing undocumented workers for years to tend to his prized horses and mansions. Who is this hypocritical douche, you ask? Lou Dobbs, come on down!

Yesterday CNN broke the story that O’Keefe had tried to punk them just like he punk’d all those evil advocates for the poor, only this time he failed miserably. O’Keefe told CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau that he wanted to meet with her in person to discuss an interview for a feature CNN is doing on young conservatives. But Boudreau was intercepted by Izzy Santa, O’Keefe’s colleague over at the dramatically named Project Veritas, who told Boudreau all about O’Keefe’s boneheaded plan to get her on his boat and…do something.