Douchebag Decree

In an attempt to protest the Pennsylvania state House's recent designation of 2012 as "The Year of the Bible" (which is admittedly messed up), two atheist groups went the fight-douche-with-douche route last week and erected a slavery-themed billboard in "one of the Harrisburg's most racially diverse neighborhoods." Ostensibly meant to highlight the hypocrisy of the "Year of the Bible," the billboard instead pissed people off because it's racist.

Trigger warning for discussion of rape and sexual assault.

Fox News isn't exactly known for its nuanced feminist critiques, but when pundit Liz Trotta aired her views on women in the military earlier this week, stating that—among other things—women working in close quarters with men should expect to be raped, things reached a whole new level of douche.

In the frenzy of cable news chatter that followed Tuesday's State of the Union address, one pundit stood out in the crowd, a beacon on a douchebag hill. The Wall Street Journal's Stephen Moore out-douched the considerable competition by employing the age-old tactic of saying stuff is like rape when it is not even kind of like rape.

Remember what a douchebag Johnny Depp was last year when he compared his many celebrity photoshoots to instances of rape? You'd think his fellow actors would have learned from his mistake that "rape" is not a word that can be thrown about to describe any mildly uncomfortable situation, but some actors obviously did not get the message. Earlier this week actress Kim Novak, star of the 1958 Hitchcock Classic Vertigo, took out a full-page ad in Variety magazine to blast new film The Artist for ripping off Bernard Hermann's famous love score from Vertigo. While Novak could have expressed her disdain for the film's creative choices with any manner of unoffensive language, she instead used the full-page rant to accuse the film of "raping" her.

What do you get the seven-year-old girl who has everything? Well, if you're Sarah Burge, self-proclaimed "Human Barbie," and the girl in question is your daughter Poppy, you give her a voucher for breast implants for her birthday, and you follow it up with a Christmas voucher for liposuction. Happy Holidays!


The gift that keeps on giving (you a complex about your body).

H&M is taking fashion douchebaggery to the next level this week by using computer-generated models in its holiday lingerie campaign. As if the photo shopping, airbrushing, pushing up, and sucking in that goes on in a typical yuletide bra commercial wasn't enough to make the average shopper want to throw on a snuggie and call it a day, now the models selling us our delicates are actually virtual.


Ahahaha! We're just hanging out, having the exact same body! What, you don't look like this?

Sports fans everywhere breathed a sigh of relief last week when news broke that the NBA lockout will end on December 25. Yay basketball (go Blazers)! If the lockout were to have to continued, though, some douche-y spectators would've been satisfied anyway, thanks to Rick's (Topless) Basketball League. Started in response to the lockout (because recruiting a team of topless women in platforms and short shorts is a logical response to an NBA lockout), Rick's Cabaret International Inc. is ready to play ball. Especially since their head coach position was filled this week—by former NBA star (and current douchenozzle) Spud Webb.

Trigger warning: This post contains descriptions of rape, molestation, and abuse.

As you probably know, some epic douchiness transpired recently in State College Pa., where Jerry Sandusky exerted his power as an assistant coach at a semi-religious institution (Penn State Football) to (allegedly) rape boys. And in the six days since the indictment on Sandusky dropped, a douche-laden web of white men protecting the job and reputation of another (alleged child rapist) white man has been revealed.

Not only does the ad offensively use women's bodies to sell a product it, also needlessly sexualizes a non-sexual product. It's ChapStick for god's sake! And now I have to think of this lady's ass every time I rub it on my lips? What? I didn't want that!

Oh "light" beverages. When will you stop freaking out and shoving your unnecessarily constructed masculinity in our faces? The latest in this long line of I'm-so-manly-it's-sexist diet drinks (predecessors include Miller Lite, Pepsi Max, and Coke Zero) is none other than Dr. Pepper 10, with a new ad campaign that screams IT'S NOT FOR WOMEN.


What makes a calorie manly? A tiny patch of chest hair and a miniature disdain for womanly calories? Read on to find out!