She Pop: Your Halloween House of Pop Star Horror

Oh, hey, it's Halloween everybody! Halloween, of course, is the holiday when we celebrate terror, goofy outfits, and bad life decisions made at parties that get ever-so-slightly out-of hand. I'm sure lots of you will be celebrating this sacred day with "costumes" and "parties" and "actually leaving the house." But, as for me - having failed, for the second year in a row now, to assemble a sufficiently creepy Dov Charney costume (BEHOLD THE TRUE FACE OF FEAR*) - I will be celebrating by "blogging." And I invite you to celebrate with me! Put down your various judgment-impeding beverages, leave your friends behind, and join me, on this guided Internet tour of POP-RELATED CELEBRITY HORROR. Featuring: 

 

LADY GAGA as... THE FACE OF HUMAN TRAFFICKING! 

Yes, it's true! Lady Gaga's forthcoming "Bad Romance" video will, apparently, be a story about her being "trafficked into sex slavery." Because human trafficking is a concept that can be effectively dramatized and commented upon in a music video for a song whose lyrics are primarily composed of trenchant observations such as "ba ba ba ma ma ba ba oh la la ba ba." 

You know, I'm kind of glad that Lady Gaga is willing to go big? But here is the thing: human trafficking is real and widespread and scary enough that your options for putting it in a music video are (a) a sexyfun, sensationalized, Lady Gaga-esque take on the matter, which would trivialize the number of women who are actually sold or abducted and raped, and would therefore be hugely offensive, or (b) a self-serious, reverent, "Runaway Train" PSA-esque take, which would be hugely boring. And I could be wrong: the video could prove to be awesome. But if I know Gaga, she's probably not going to go for "boring." "Hugely offensive," on the other hand, she could probably do. HORRORS! 

 

CHRIS BROWN as... A GUY WHO IS STILL CONVINCED HE HAS A CAREER! 

Yeah, he has a new video out, apparently. It is for "I Can Transform Ya," and he (wait for it) transforms into a car, a fire truck, and someone who relies on Lil Wayne to make his song even slightly interesting. Maybe not in that order. The song is about how he will turn you, a human lady, into a car or something, and then Lil Wayne will have sex with you. Probably not while you are a car. And apparently no one stepped in, in the middle of the dazzling genius explosion that is the Chris Brown creative process, to point out that an entire song equating ladies with fancy possessions might not be the best choice for him. And, worst of all, at no point does Chris Brown transform into what we are all hoping he will become, A Guy Who Will Just Go The Hell Away. HORRORS! 

 

TAYLOR SWIFT as... A GIRL IN A WHITE DRESS (NOT THAT THERE COULD CONCEIVABLY BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, EVER)!

Taylor Swift and her beswastika'd admirer

You know, there has been kind of a huff around this little photo, but I simply don't see anything wrong with it. Not a single thing! Taylor Swift (an Appropriate Role Model for our times) simply happened to attend Katy Perry's birthday party, because she was apparently uninformed that meeting her alternate-universe doppelganger would cause the entire Madonna/whore spectrum to collapse in on itself, potentially causing some sort of rift in the space/time continuum. And it simply happened to be a party at which all guests were required to wear white (at last! A moment for TAYLOR TO SHINE) and to paint whatever their hearts desired on the white clothing. And then she painted "JH" on her white dress!

It means "Julianne Hough," of course; in fact, I can't see any reason why anyone might think it could mean anything else. I mean, "JH," "Julianne Hough"; the connection is so intuitive as to be self-evident.

And THEN, Taylor - kind soul that she is - elected to stand next to this nice young man, and to have a photo taken with him! Without even looking at his shirt! Like, AT ALL. Her rep has explained that Taylor "didn't realize what was on his shirt," and sure, you might THINK that would be literally impossible, seeing as how it is large and bright red and also a swastika, but, you know, Taylor Swift actually suffers from a little-known malady known as "shirt blindness," which prohibits her from actually knowing what is on ANYONE's shirt at any time. ANYONE. EVER. AT ALL. No matter how large or bright red or alarmingly racist the thing on your shirt might be, Taylor Swift simply CANNOT SEE IT.

But Taylor is just so nice that she stood next to this gentleman's shirt and got her photo taken with it ANYWAY! Because, you know, who just refuses to hang out with, put their arms around, and take photos with people who think it's cool to paint big, bright red pro-genocidal insignia on their shirts? Jerks, probably! And Taylor is not a jerk, she is nice. Although, it is imperative to note, she did this without knowing what was on the shirt! Because Taylor Swift doesn't see shirts, she sees people. And even if she could see shirts, modesty prohibits her from ever gazing below a dude's neck. The portion of the body below the neck? That's the DEVIL's body portion! With or without a swastika on it! And what is this "swastika" of which you speak, anyway? Taylor Swift doesn't even know what swastikas are! They're not a part of her good clean down-home values, y'all! So Taylor Swift certainly didn't see any swastika! On the shirt! Which was on the dude! That she got her photo taken with! Whose shirt she didn't see! 

 Taylor Swift and her beswastika'd admirer

Way to go, Taylor! Good Role Modeling! That'll teach us not to judge people by the number of large bright red swastikas on their t-shirts!

Taylor Swift and her beswastika'd admirer

You know, you guys, I realize that I promised you HORROR! But I realize that all I've come up with, in this case, is yet another case of Taylor Swift being AWESOME and totally not an appropriate target for criticism by anyone, ever, in the history of the world. Look at her, being all nice to the dude in the swastika Unidentified Friendship Symbol t-shirt! Awww. TAYLOR!

 

* This True Face of Fear is slightly out-of-date, I know. For a more topical True Face of Fear, I should probably be Tucker Max. The problems with this, of course, are twofold: I am not a puffy-faced little goblin, and I kind of worry that Tucker Max, much like Beetlejuice, will actually materialize if you say his name three times in a row. Which would make explaining the costume a risky proposition.  

Bitch Media publishes the award-winning quarterly magazine, Bitch:Feminist Response to Pop Culture. Pitch in to support feminist media: Subscribe today

Subscribe to Bitch


Comments

11 comments have been made. Post a comment.

I'm thinking they should do

I'm thinking they should do a video together, Chris Brown is Lady Gaga's pimp & Taylor walks past thinking that they are doing a late night traffic survey.

nina

A good laugh!

The Taylor Swift section gave me a very good laugh! Thanks Sady for being awesome as always. :)

I just ...wow. She's 19, not

I just ...wow. She's 19, not 9, right? She's been in the spotlight for awhile, she doesn't have the self-awareness/media training to realize that posing with someone wearing a swatsika is a Very Bad Idea, even if you don't have "JH" on your dress? Basically, the official story here paints her as truly idiotic or myopic. Or both. (If you don't want glasses, Taylor, they do make contacts, and I'm sure you've sold enough records to pay for LASIK.)

No, age is not an excuse

No. Just no. I don't care that she's 19 and with little media training. I have never had ANY media training and I would have known at age twelve not to pose on a picture with someone wearing swastika. Hell, I would have known not to GO NEAR anyone wearing a swastika. Her being really really stupid or myopic is the only possible answers.

You do realize I was

You do realize I was expressing horror and not excusing her, right? She has EXTRA reasons to know that what she did was stupid. That's what I was saying. But hey, if you want to get offended by someone on the same side as you, go right ahead.

Forgive me, but--

Am I the only person who doesn't understand what "JH" is..? Could someone fill me in?

"JH," and The Saga Continues!

"Jew Hater."
TMZ released a statement by the guy in the picture saying he's sorry to incriminate Taylor, blah blah blah, oh, and he didn't mean to wear a swastika. It was an 'X,' he says -- someone changed it!
Uh, but you're wearing it, dude.
If someone painted a swastika on the shirt you were wearing, wouldn't you notice? If fact, wouldn't you immediately take it off and/or paint over it, then give the offender a piece of your mind? I sure would.
And shout-outs to Sady: this entry was wonderful, as usual. Your commentary makes something as awful as that Chris Brown video into something funny, and I love what a good sport you are about the flak you got from Taylor Swift fans!

The Chris Brown video you linked from

is silly, to be sure and I'm obviously no CB fan so I wanted to check it out because it sounded unbelievably stupid.

I feel obligated to point out that most of the people "transformed" in the video are men. Even when the men/women are "transformed" they don't become the object, it just shows them sitting atop a motorcycle or whatever. The song appears to be about him being able to "transform" the lifestyle of whoever he is with ostensibly with his loads of $ and ability to purchase consumer goods. Yippee. I also think it's interesting that he has a lyric about transforming his potential gf or whatever into someone who is no longer a passenger but now the driver. I see this more as a song about consumerism than anything else.

[Lil Wayne]
Go hey Lil Mama,
I can transform ya,
No I can't dance, but I can dance on ya,
Swizz on the beat, Chris move ya feet,
And baby I can transform your him to a me,
I can change your life, make it so new,
Make you never want to go back to the old you,
Ciroc and lime, give it a lil time,
And she can transform like Optimus Prime

[Chris Brown]
Need a ride,
I can range you up,
Money, I can change you up,
You can ride your own,
No longer be the passenger,
Swag low, I build you up,
Knees, we can stand you up,
Red lips, red dress, like 'em like a fire truck,

[Chorus]
What you need, you can have that,
My black card, they don't decline that,
See potential in ya, let me mould that,
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,

I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything ya want, I can (I can) get it for ya,
You're my baby girl,
Shoulda known I did it for ya,
I can trans, I can trans, I can transform ya,

Shoes - you got it (got it)
Bags - you got it (got it),
Cars - you got it (got it),
Money - still got it (got it),
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything you want I can (I can) get it for ya,

[Chris Brown]
See me in the video, you can have it really though,
Iced out everything, break you like an eskimo,
Wanna fly, we can go, anywhere you wanna go,
Jimmy Choos in Italy, Louis V in Tokyo,

Something like Pinnochio,
If you lie down, I'ma grow,
Wanna see me do it big,
I can show you how it goes,
Take you from an amateur to being professional,
I can have you swag surfing

[Chorus]
What you need, you can have that,
My black card, they don't decline that,
See potential in ya, let me mould that,
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,

I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything ya want, I can (I can) get it for ya,
You're my baby girl,
Shoulda known I did it for ya,
I can trans, I can trans, I can transform ya,

Shoes - you got it (got it)
Bags - you got it (got it),
Cars - you got it (got it),
Money - still got it (got it),
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything you want I can (I can) get it for ya,

[Lil Wayne]
Alright,
I can transform ya, like a transformer,
I can turn you from a human to a Carter,
Take you off the bench, t-turn ya to a starter,
Then take you home and put you on a charger,
Then my car transforms to a charter,
And we can fly to wherever you ever thought of,
I take you to where its warmer,
Then i gotta rip off your dress like a warm up,
But I'm just getting warmed up,
So tell your man he better get his Voltron up,
I transform her to a Ducati,
And then I transform me to a Bugatti,
'Cause her form puts me in a trance,
I transform smaller and she puts me in her pants,
Swizz on the Beat, Chris move ya feet,
And Weezy transform a good girl to a freak,
[Chorus]
What you need, you can have that,
My black card, they don't decline that,
See potential in ya, let me mould that,
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,

I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything ya want, I can (I can) get it for ya,
You're my baby girl,
Shoulda known I did it for ya,
I can trans, I can trans, I can transform ya,

Shoes - you got it (got it)
Bags - you got it (got it),
Cars - you got it (got it),
Money - still got it (got it),
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything you want I can (I can) get it for ya,

Wow, that's horrible.

Wow, that's horrible. Especially the parallels between this song and that one song that I am too lazy to google right now that was like, "The shoes on my feet - I bought it, the clothes I'm wearing - I bought it, the car I'm driving - I bought it, 'cause I depend on me, et cetera." He's like, "Hey, you can be totally dependent on me, isn't that great?" Gross.

That would be the

That would be the magnificent "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child.