The Young and The Feckless: Beating Playboy's Listmakers at Their Own Game

Although the list was released last month, the HuffPo's college arm is just now getting around to devoting linkbaity ink to Playboy's fourth annual compilation of Top Ten Party Schools. If you haven't seen it, the list is pretty much what you'd expect from Playboy- a glorification of babes, booze and a culture of hedonistic indulgence. Notable are the Honorable Mention categories in which schools that didn't make the top ten are lauded for such as qualities as Hottest Chicks or Hottest Major.

As an antidote to all of this last century sexism (seriously, Playboy, co-eds should have been stricken from the vernacular around the time Hef himself graduated, if not sooner), I decided to compile my own group of more edifying school rankings. Please note that the words sweater puppies are not mentioned even once.
171448386_e12b38799c.jpg
Photo by pizzodisevo (first of all, my health)

Top Ten Collegiate Top Ten Lists That Reflect Qualities More Interesting Than A School's Propensity for Partying

10. Top ten sedate, herbal tea drinking and 17th century philosophy
discussing
schools
9. Top ten Modern Whig Party schools
8. Top ten schools at which if you say "Playboy," someone will respond with "Cad"
"Rake" or "Lothario"
7. Top ten schools having the greatest percentage of the student body who know all
the lyrics to Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA
6. Top ten schools more concerned with Gini coefficient than Bikini Index
5. Top ten party until a reasonable hour, but still get a full night's sleep and
wake up to eat a decent breakfast and make it to 8:30 AM Microeconomics

schools
4. Top ten schools in which the members of the campus chapter of the Society for
Creative Anachronism get more action than the basketball and football teams
combined
3. Top ten Party of Five rerun-watching schools
2. Top ten schools at which using the word "co-ed" as a noun would earn you a
withering look, if not an outright ass kicking
1. Top ten schools that define "party"as simply an incorrect conjugation of the French
verb partir

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Comments

5 comments have been made. Post a comment.

Brilliant!!

Would that this were true! I find the Miley Cyrus inclusion on the list a little dubious, but as a fervent critic of party culture, what a welcome (albeit sadly imaginary) list to see!

Spinoza--my homie

There is nothing sedate about 17th century philosophy!

Nirvana College

Where is this college? I wanna go.

As someone who is

As someone who is pro-partying, I would like to attend a party at basically every one of the schools that would make these top ten lists.

Snobby intellectuals know how to GET DOWN.

Now Lets Just Hold On A Minute Or Two

Wait just a minute now. i'm a guy and therefore am entitled to think with the wrong head. You mean i shouldn't check out the Girls gone Wild Events, where they look for the craziest campuses? How about the top ten campuses where i could join a sorority who's members will paddle me but good? Are you seriously suggesting that we're supposed to learn things in college? Judging by some of the professors on staff at Yale (Paul Wolfowitz) and U.C. Berkeley (John Yoo), i'm not sure i want to learn any of that stuff. Didn't George W. Bush prove that partying is what colleges are for and that they will give you a diploma for it?