Douchebag Decree: BrewDog's Royal Virility Performance
This week in the land of Douche-dom comes a palatable product that I never thought would end up here. Beer. Yes, beer! Who would've thunk it? But, if there's a will, there's a way because douche-y products come from douche-y ideas which come from douche-y people. Onward Ho!
The douche-y-idea-turned-brew comes straight out of Fraserburgh, Aberdeen, Scotland. Two dudes who jumped on the brewmeister bandwagon three years ago and made it UK-big with their BrewDog Beer and "natural" Beer For Punks brews, have jumped on another bandwagon of late: The Royal Wedding let's-make-money-with-novelty-consumer-junk trolley. Forget the commemorative tea towel, fine China, and the collectible Kate doll, the commemorative crap Martin Dickie and James Watt, founders of BrewDog, concocted for the Royal occasion was beer brewed with Viagra. Yes, that little blue pill that was initially intended to treat angina, but did a better job of keeping up stiffies, and has since been Big Pharma Pfizer's wonder drug since the late '90s, has made its way into a beer bottle. And for why, you might ask? Well, to christen the Royal newlyweds' wedding night, Silly!
Un-appropriately called Royal Virility Performance (RVP), the 1,000 limited edition bottles are filled with 7.5% ABV IPA and are slapped with a black & white label featuring unflattering sketches of Prince William and Kate Middleton and the motto: "ARISE PRINCE WILLY" Ah! What wit! What charm! Feed me more nonsense.
James Watt, Managing Director of BrewDog, and currently full-time Douche, had this to say about the Royal IPA:
With this beer we want to take the wheels off the royal wedding bandwagon being jumped on by dozens of breweries; The Royal Virility Performance is the perfect antidote to all the hype. A beer should be brewed with a purpose, not just because some toffs are getting married, so we created something at our brewery that will undermine those special edition beers and other assorted seaside tat, whilst at the same time actually give the happy couple something extra on their big day.
So, BrewDog Douche Dude, your "purpose" is to do what exactly? Market a beer under the guise of a drug—real or not / joke or no joke—intended to enhance male sexual performance in the bedroom? How presumptuous and in poor taste of you to think that Prince William has erecticle dysfuntion (ED). Oh, that's not the point? Well, then it's perhaps a marketing ploy to bring in the bucks—what was the word you used, "undermine" all other commemorative brews?—while simultaneously turning a blind eye to the comments studded to your RVP blog post, (which in another douche-y BrewDog move has disappeared altogether between the wee hours of last night and this morning). You're just gonna have to take my word for what Ben, Johnny, and V+L said here:
Ben: In all seriousness, will this beer give me a hard-on? It's cool if it will, I just need to know.
Johnny: Punk it up Bitch! wicked. I ordered 4 bottles. My wife is in for a hoppy treat.
V+L: Very cool. Apparently, I am purchasing your product next week. Just saw Royal Virility on the news, You guys are now the talk of the town (New York City).
Fox News even picked up the story, creating quite a buzz in its comments section. And yes, here's the douchiest of the first thirty out of sixty comments from mre09, ilikebush, and jimi27:
Do you think it would be possible to have a sister beer brewed called "Royal Virility Prevention" in which then can be exported to Africa?
Hey, when you want to get her tanked and take advantage of her this ensures the whiskey dick will not happen, party on.
BOTTOMS UP!!!!! And 'bottoms' up!!!
So, perhaps the "purpose" Sir Douche Watt and Sir Douche Dickie is to perpetuate the jackass marketing antics that make it okay for conglomerates—big and small—to produce products that reinforce sexist stereotypes which reinforce sexist perspectives which beget sexist behavior and so on and so on and scooby dooby do. So, BrewDog brewmeisters... it's NOT okay. You've already got the masses confused with your labeling. Case in point, Ben needing to know if he'll actually get a "hard on." Two days ago the selling ingredient of Royal Performance Virility was Viagra. Now, with all the buzzed it's been magically changed to "herbal viagra." Phooey on BrewDog's marketing ploy!
And, one more thing about the disregard of a drug intended to treat a condition of the male body, herbal or not. UK's Metro notes downing three RVPs is like taking one little blue pill. Regardless, it's an abuse of what the drug is designed to do. Treat legitimate cases of ED. Doh! Instead, BrewDog equates Viagra's drug design to a recreationl sexist show 'n' tell of a man's junk while drunk in the bedroom. (The female sexual health inequities—and inaccessiblities—prevalent in the medical field is an entirely different chunky can of worms that I'll refrain from opening up here.)
And, it's gets doucheier. The head brew dude bro-ingly confessed to already sending one bottle by way of Royal Post to "Prince Willy" for his wedding night. Wait! BrewDog Dude got his math wrong. What about Kate!?! Where's her specially crafted brew to, "give the happy couple something extra on their big day." Need I say more? Actually, yeah I do, because according to the Fox News article, if the limited edition IPA is a success, which undoubtely it will be with all the hype surrounding it a week before the Royal Wedding, BrewDog plans on making more (which I recall seeing posted on the BrewDog site, but perhaps that too has magically disappeared within the last 48 hours).
So, what's actually in this brew? It has "herbal viagra, chocolate, Horny Goat Weed, and a healthy dose of sarcasm." Oh! sarcasm. How nice. But not everybody gets sarcasm, which the BrewDog brew dudes are ever-so-quickly learning (having changed Viagra to herbal viagra in a period of 24 hours of its press release Monday, which "invites drinkers to celebrate their extra day off Big Willy Style"). Not so funny. Watt goes on to say:
We want to make other people as passionate about great craft beer as we are and products marketed according to an event rather than their flavor is an example of what's wrong with the industry. There is more to brewing and tasting beer than putting a royal wedding label on it, so we're showing everyone just how ludicrous it is.
Seriously? Is this for real? "[P]roducts marketed according to an event rather than their flavour is an example of what's wrong with the industry." Dickie and Watt's RVP IPA intentions are what's wrong with the industry. Sarcasm or no, beer brewed by abusing a drug marketed to males to encourage lewd behavior toward females without consideration of said females IS what's wrong with the industry. It is ludicrous, BrewDog Brew Dudes, especially when these two Douches actually did brew the first 40 bottles of beer with prescription Viagra. Here's the proof from The Digital Newsroom, BrewDog's multimedia site: "Due to legalities, the first 40 made with Viagra cannot be sold, so the extra 1,000 will be brewed with herbal Viagra."
And though these Beer Punks think they're fullfilling their BrewDog mission of "breaking rules, taking risks, upsetting trends, unsettling institutions but first and foremost, great tasting beers," they're not breaking the trend of what is expected of The Royal Family by encouraging Prince William and Kate Middleton to produce an heir. What's so "punk" about that? And, there's nothing punk about playing along with overtly sexist stereotypes and expectations flooding the marketplace.
But, not all is lost. There is a litle bit of light at the end of this Douchebag Decree tunnel. BrewDog Brewery's blog claims 20% of its Royal Virilitiy Beer profits will go to Centrepoint, a charity that Prince Wiliiam supports. At £10 a bottle, that's £2000 or $3290 USD to help provide housing and social services to homeless youth in London. I guess I'll toast my uh, er... Lady Liquid Quiver Belgian to that... Cheers?
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