So This Feminist Walks into a Bar... And Enters a Joke Contest!

Calling all funny feminists! We are in possession of not one but FIVE copies of Randa Jarrar's fabulous book A Map of Home (reviewed in the Buzz issue) and we're jonesin' to give them away! And guess what? All you need to do to obtain a copy of this red-hot prize is enter the Bitch Magazine Feminist Joke Contest!

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Look! The book wants you to enter and win!

So give us your best feminist joke in the comments section and this book (and all the fame and glory that goes with it) could be yours! A few prompts:

- So this feminist walks into a bar...
- How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Why did the feminist cross the road?
- Have you heard the one about feminism?
- Knock knock... You get the picture.

In addition to posting your joke ideas in the comments section (and feel free to enter as many times as you'd like) please comment on other peoples' jokes so that we know which ones are considered the funniest by feminists-at-large.

The winners will be selected in one week. So what are you waiting for? Get joking!

Comments

38 comments have been made. Post a comment.

I so wish I had enough ...

... braincells to write my own joke, but I don't. So, instead, you should go look at my all-time favorite feminist giggles, "pick-up lines for feminists," by Lesley Kartali, in Lodestar Quarterly: http://lodestarquarterly.com/work/343/

2 jokes.

the classic:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: That's not funny!

and the best, and ONLY, joke about female masturbation i have ever heard:

Q: (you, the awesome woman telling this joke, hold up pointer and middle fingers together) Why can't you masturbate with these two fingers?

A: (you, as the awesome woman telling this joke, have to say this) Because they're mine!

masturbation joke

My fantastic, hilarious, feminist best friend told me your "these two fingers" joke almost 20 years ago, while we were in (stifling homogeneous small-town midwestern) high school. I about died laughing. Thanks for triggering that memory--it makes me fall in love with our teenaged selves all over again. I don't know how anyone could top that joke.

Damnit! You stole mine! (The

Damnit! You stole mine! (The lightbulb joke haha I love it)

A feminist joke...

Feminist jokes.

No really. If you google the term "feminist jokes", most of the results are anti-men jokes (or often insulting to both genders). If you're any kind of self-respecting feminist who believes that feminism is about equality and respect rather than simply turning the tables on the opposite gender, you'll find that most feminist jokes are just that - a total joke.

See for yourself!
http://www.google.com/search?q=feminist+joke&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=...

A lot of those are pretty

A lot of those are pretty misogynistic, too.

I think you are proberly what

I think you are proberly what I would class as a real women an not a feminist as the two are completely different.
A feminist wants special trement an is bitter an breeds misery while the likes of yourself (by the way it sounds) only want the same rights that men have which are already in place.
I have spent the last 5 years in family courts fighting to see my daughter who is with what they have classed an unfit mother but say a child should be with the mother an carry on giving chance after chance (47 court orders broke by her to date) instead of removing my daughter from danger to my care who they say I am a good father on those grounds.
I could go into detail of abuse by mother along with photos an other evidence proved in court but ya get the picture.
The point is the way men are treated has made me bitter an almost became as sexist as feminists then I am reminded by the things I see like your post that as not all women are sexist pigs just as the same is true if men.

Yep

Probably not the right audience for that complaint, but I am in almost the exact same situation.

By all standards, no DV or abuse or neglect, great evaluations, good job, nice guy, I should have custody of my daughter.
Instead I have a restraining order on me 1000' away from my daughter and no contact under threat of imprisonment, and her mother has full custody.

So how does that happen? Fantastic lobbying by feminists.
Can't make this shit up.

My attempt

A first-wave, a second-wave, and a third-wave feminist are talking and come up with a brilliant way to bring about women’s liberation. They decide to tell their movements about it and come back a week later.

When they they meet again, and the first-wave feminist says: “My compatriots in the fight for suffrage think it is a most excellent idea, and will organize a worldwide conference to discuss it.”

The second-wave feminist says: “My sisters at the conciousness-raising think it’s a groovy idea, and we’re going to have a march to campaign for it.”

And the third-wave feminist says: “My tweeps think it’s an awesome idea, lol.”

-

Sorry...I know modern feminists still do a lot of amazing things, and Twitter can be a good tool (which I use way too much)--it's interesting the way the movement has changed in the last hundred-ish years, though.

Sarah Silverman

I know a lot of feminists aren't Sarah Silverman fans but I liked this tweet from her:

@SarahKSilverman misogynistic humor offends me because some of my best friends are cunts.

this one too

@SarahKSilverman If I had to describe myself in one word it would be, "brunette."

Feminist Pick Up Lines

So this isn't necessarily a joke (but it falls within the "joke" genre). Anyway, I heard it somewhere and LOVED it:

Hey Baby, if the personal is political than our getting together has the potential to subvert the patriarchy.

Yesssssssss.

Q: How many feminists does

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One to screw in the light bulb, two to make a documentary about it.

Want a feminist

This post has been deleted by the administration.

You didn't really think we'd laugh at an anti-feminist joke, did you? No thanks.

~ Team Bitch

Another lightbulb joke . . . but it's a doozy!

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten - One to change the light bulb and nine to form a support group for survivors of darkness!!

HA! I crack myself up.

haha! I have never heard the

haha! I have never heard the masturbation joke but I can't wait to share it. The lightbulb one with the punch line "That's not funny" is my favorite joke ever!! I wish I could top that one.

The headline reads: Husband Shot, Stabbed, Left in Burning House

The headline reads: Husband Shot, Stabbed, Left in Burning House

One feminist looks to another and says "Wow! The woman who did that really needs our help!"

lightbulbs and women who read

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, it's not the lightbulb that needs changing.

A woman and her husband were vacationing at a lake. The husband liked to fish, and the boat was full of his equipment, but one day while he was napping, the woman decided to go out on the boat herself. She found a nice place on the lake and began to read her book.
A warden pulled up and told her she was in a restricted zone (no fishing) and he would have to arrest her. The woman explained that she was not fishing; she was reading. The warden responded that she had all the proper equipment for fishing and he would have to take her in to the station.
"If you do, I'll charge you with sexual assault" she snapped.
Dumb-struck, the warden protested that he hadn't even touched her.
"Yes, but you have all the proper equipment," she replied.

The moral of the story? Don't argue with a woman who reads; it's likely she can also think.

Best Blonde Joke Ever

Wish I could remember where I heard it...

Q: What do you call a blonde who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you misogynist asshole.

BWA HA HA HA HA. Brilliant,

BWA HA HA HA HA. Brilliant, I love this one.

i dont

i dont

This is more of a lesbian

This is more of a lesbian joke, but it's a feminist lesbian joke, and a pretty knowing, sex-positive one that challenges the listener to consider the realities of queer sex. Plus, there's some physicality to it, which is always fun.

Q: Why are lesbians so bad at boxing?

A: Because they make fists like this (curl your hands into cone-shaped "fisting" pose and move your hands in front of you in a Victorian "fisticuffs" manner.)

the long version

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five to discuss how the patriarchy put the system in place that requires the lightbulb to be changed in the first place, two to write blogs and one to write a zine about changing the lightbulb, three to derail the lightbulb changing into their own pet project, a solid group to organize a seminar about empowering young women to change the lightbulb in the next generation, and seventeen to make folk or electropop albums about their views on lightbulb changing.

I'd do it, but I'm too busy watching Dancing with the Stars."

Thank you, I'm here all night.

Sadly, not my own joke.

'Three women walk into a pub and say, "Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format".'

Bill Bailey.

Lights Bulbs

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

3 Waves - The first one fights to choose which light bulb is used. The second one breaks through the gender barrier and screws it in. And the third one continues to diversify the bulb-changing initiative.

Yeah Three Waves

Jimmy, I like it! The three waves are all important to the feminist movement. Congrats on creating a joke that doesn't pit them against each other.

Jokey Jokes

Jimmy, I'm not sure if you got my reply. Just wanted to say how great it is to see a joke about the three waves that doesn't make it all about in-fighting. Well done!

Joking it Up

A feminist woman walks into a bar...only to realize that it's been set arbitrarily high.

*The average woman would

*The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

*T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.

Jokes by Yana Alana (language warning)

Joke 1#
I don't hate men, you need them to make women.

Joke 2#
Q/ How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A/ None, I don't need your fucking help.

Joke 3#
Q/ Why isn't there a show called "Puppetry of the Cunt"?
A/ Because women have the ultimate trick. LOOK, A BABY!

Joke 4#
Q/ Why did the feminist cross the road?
A/ To get away from you, fuck face!

Joke #5
Q/Knock, knock?
A/ Who's there?
Q/ A feminist.
A/ A feminist who?
Q/ A feminist who wants you to open the mutherfucking door!

Yana Alana is a performance poet and cabaret diva, performed by Sarah Ward from Melbourne, Australia, and is usually accompanied by her long-suffering musicians, Tha Paranas xx

Jokes

A feminist is thinking about the pay gap and wondering what it's going to take to get another pair-a-dimes

What's the most painful part

What's the most painful part of a male-to-female sex change operation?

When they cut your pay.

blonde walks into a bar

and a man immediately plops next her and says Hey! You're a blonde! Hey! Are you blonde THERE too? HEY! I've got the greatest blonde joke for you! Why did Indians only scalp blondes?

The blonde turns her face towards him and says Because big, fat, bald guys like you don't have any hair...

blonde walks into a bar

A clever response from the blonde woman.

I wonder what was the punch line that the man was going to say?

Winners?

Just wondering when the winners are going to be announced

Joke

Adam and eve were arguing about which one God loves more. So adam says He loves me more, he gave me two arms, so eve reponds that he gave me two arm as well. So adam says, he gave me two legs, so eve says I have two legs as well. So Adam goes on and on on his body part, and realizes that eve has the same. Finally he notices that eve doesnt have the penis, so he says, God loves me more because he gave me the penis and you don't have it. Eve gets really upset and runs to God crying and complainging why he wasnt fair and gave her the penis as well. God responds "dont tell him, but actually that yours, he is just carrying it"

Contest Winner

Were there any winners to this contest?

FIVE books were offered as prizes but it was never finalized on the page.

Win or lose it would be nice to have some closure on this thing.

None of these are funny.. nor

None of these are funny.. nor can they be classed as jokes.