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Sexual Inadequacy: Is My Son Gay?

A new app for the French Android market proposes to answer that very question, by leading the user through a series of twenty questions about their son's interests, personal style, and relationship to "diva singers." If the app determines the child in question is a heterosexual, a message is displayed stating ""You do not have to worry, your son is not gay! There is a chance for you to be a grandmother with all the joys it brings," otherwise the message becomes "No need to look the other way! He is gay! Accept it!" (Worst Choose-Your-Own-Adventure ever, amirite?)

I think this app is only the beginning of dynamic digital content engineered to answer the burning questions of our daily lives. I'd like to announce I am seeking venture capital to develop the following apps across multiple platforms:

"Where is That Smell Coming From?"
"Should I Get Streaks?"
"Does This Look Infected To You?"
"Am I Scottish?"
"Where is My Cat Right Now?"

I'm particularly proud of that last one—you simply outfit your feline friend with a homing beacon and the app tells you whether you are hot or cold, all the while insulting your species and your abilities as a hunter.

In all seriousness, I doubt that many people will feel the need to shell out good money to find out if their son is gay using such suspect methods. But I imagine some desperate young men will buy it themselves and be taught they can change their sexuality by suppressing their gender identity. Some young gay men will be identified as straight because they enjoy stereotypically masculine activities and some young straight men will once again hear the message that every activity that isn't Shark Punching or Lady Ogling is, like, the gayest thing ever. Not that there's anything wrong with that! The choice is completely up to you! You can either pass the test or witness your sainted mother bawling her eyes out about never having grandchildren! As she clutches empty photo albums and screams "The App told me to accept it but I can't!"

My proposal: make an app that asks parents questions like "Is your son primarily attracted to men?" or "Does your son identify as gay?" Because those are really the only relevant questions.

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Comments

5 comments have been made. Post a comment.

Annoyance Over Sexual Norms of All Types

Sexuality is so much more complex than anyone seems to appreciate.
I'll use myself as an example ('cause, well...of course) and state that, while I have never in my life have had a sincere desire to be intimate with another man, I can absolutely appreciate male beauty and find many men "hot".
Yet, for whatever reason, this isn't really considered legitmate. Either you wanna screw a certain category of people, or ya don't, and that's all that need be considered in sexuality...right?
Young people shouldn't have to answer these kind of questions for themselves as they are, and yet are forced to no matter their preferences.
"Who do you like?"
"WHY??"
"OOOH? Well, how typical!"
Those are the kind of answers you get as a young person, no matter your specific views of yourself and gender in general.
And I'm not just referring to the poor, ignorant, "unenlightened" types that we lefties like to beat up on so often--this attitude is EVERYWHERE! No group, anywhere (as far as I can tell) allows people to be who they want to be. Are you gay, but believe in Jesus? Screw you!!
Are you committed to another man, but don't identify as gay? SCREW YOU, ya poser!
I supppose a lot of people must not remember what it was like to be 15-17--the irrationality and passion of it all. Young people--quueer, semi-queer, or WHATT|EVER--shouldn't have to account for their tastes at such an usual age. Many of them will stay gay, and that;s great. But some others might end up in obstenisibly "straight" relationships, and that's fine too.
Either way, though, there's people who feel the need to beat them down and tell them what they are/should be thinking and doing. It's sick. Full gayness is absolutely fine. Full straightness is absolutely fine. Bisexuality--where most of us fall--is ABSOLUTELY FINE!
Leave the kids alone, people, no matter where you fall or where you think they should be.

@Chris Aus +1. I tend to just

@Chris Aus
+1.
I tend to just not say what my sexual preferences are because I feel that I don't have any. When people ask me "Are you gay?" I reply evasively. Something like, "No. What's it to ya?" And then I just ignore anymore questions.

To some people, being different is not okay.

I grew up in the "true south." I do not think that any one human being can be raised in a more southern environment than what I was raised in. This app was not really made for the accepting portion of the population it was made for the parents of the kids that live below the mason-dickson line where anything but absolutely straight is NOT fine. This app will become a staple to the dad's when their son comes home from school emotionally upset and at a young age can not "man-up." Parents that will invest in this app purely need the satisfaction of the result saying that their son is just as straight as the day is long. I know that it is sad and extremely pathetic that some parents need this type of satisfaction but this is the truth.

Are You Gay (for men only?)

As an openly gay twenty two year old I must say, I knew what I was at a young age. If you don't want people to know what you are you won't confirm what you are. So an application won't tell you if your son is gay, he'll just tell you the answers you want to hear to get the response you want from the app. The funny thing is there was a "Are you gay (for men only)" quiz I took for shits and giggles. I wanted to see if it would ask me questions about musicals, clothing, and pop divas. Surprisingly enough it said "are you sexually attracted to men?" with yes, no, and sometimes. I know if you wanted to knit pick about sexuality you could. I know that some straight guys have tasted the "forbidden fruit", but it's nice to know that one of those stupid quizzes didn't use stereotypes.

-Ricky

Adding onto what Chris said,

Adding onto what Chris said, I couldn't agree more. Sexuality is much more complicated than anyone can know. An application to tell whether one is straight or gay is like having a blind person ask questions to find out if someone is "stereotypically" black or white. When you see a stereotypically gay guy one might assume the following: he likes Lady Gaga, his voice isn't "masculine,"he loves to shop, etc. etc. Then you may see a hunky guy who should be a Calvin Klein model and think, "I bet he rides bareback with his shirt off on the beach, I bet he was the star quarterback of his high school football team, he probably has a model girlfriend." When in reality, he's gay and the former guy mentioned is straight. Answering questions as to whether you prefer this over that does not make you "gay." Whoever you are attracted to and however you brain is chemically made up determines your sexual orientation.