Sex and the Fat Girl: Ask a Fat Girl #4

This is the last edition of Ask a Fat Girl for a while. Today we talk about classes on sizeism, first time sex, "compliments" on weight loss, what I do when I'm feeling down on myself, and more!

Transcript (PDF)

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LOVED your response to the last question!

As a woman who has grown up in a household that negatively looked on fat, this is awesome. Me and my sisters and my mom are all plus size, and I find people think it's a compliment to constantly tell me/us that I've lost weight. The reality is, that's not a compliment. It's like the person who said it is sizing you up (no pun intended) or that they don't know you well enough to notice anything different/positive about you to actually compliment.

Was I looking for validation in that? No. Was I trying to lose weight? No. It's almost as if people assume that if you are fat that the compliment you want to hear is "You've lost weight!" because you must have all this negative body image stuff going on. You know, because I have to hate myself all the time because I'm not a size 6.

But the truth is, I like the way I look. My doctors have said nothing to me about my health, except that I'm in GOOD health. And they don't even say "Despite your weight."

I wish more people would pay real compliments instead of trying to say what they think people want to hear, all while in the process actually making that person feel worse.

Just wanted to second that

Just wanted to second that last comment. I'm going to try the 'I know, isn't it terrible?' line next time someone says something like that to me (just hope I can remember it!)

Also, I've been following the series and just wanted to say how much I appreciate your taking the time to try and make a difference.

I also second this comment. I

I also second this comment. I have always had a body that people saw as thin, so I've never had to deal with people's negative view of fat in relation to me. Nevertheless, when I exercise regularly and lose weight, I find that my friends will comment on it, usually in complimentary and even jealous tones. I don't really know how to respond to that. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, as if other women (it's usually women) are policing my body and my body shape. I can't imagine how aggravating that must be for someone whose body doesn't correspond to what society tells us is the only acceptable body shape! So thanks for that response, I'll bear it in mind!

I would suggest to the girl

I would suggest to the girl who is worried about taking her clothes off to have an honest discussion with her partner about being worried about what he thought. I did with my most recent partner. It was scary bringing it up but being open like that was so liberating for me. He was really surprised that I felt bad about how I looked because he didn't see it that way at all. It's not that I needed his approval or acceptance to feel good about myself as much as I just had to get it out there because I'd gone through times of being so down on myself that I couldn't accept myself naked. And you know what? He was surprisingly receptive and understanding. He didn't really know much about body image or how bad women can feel about themselves. And...the best part? I really really enjoyed sex without shame for the first time.

Anyway, thanks for the series Tasha. It's so positive and makes me feel good!

Ask a Fat Girl #4

Tasha,

We miss you! Please post another installment soon, girl. I'm dying, here.