Ms. Opinionated: I Want My Ex At My Wedding

image of Megan Carpentier

 

Welcome to the latest installment of Ms. Opinionated, in which readers have questions about the pesky day-to-day choices we all face, and I give advice about how to make ones that (hopefully) best reflect our shared commitment to feminist values—as well as advice on what to do when they don't.

Dear Ms. Opinionated,

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. I want to invite one of my exes-turned-into-a-friend to my upcoming wedding. My fiancé, who is not ever the jealous type nor the controlling type, has absolutely put his foot down. How do I convince him? Should I even try? Am I totally in the wrong here?

I will admit up-front that I have a long-standing bias on this issue as someone who remains friends with a lot of exes for whom I still have (non-relationship) feelings and with whom I have no interest in getting back together. I think especially in a day and age in which many people -- even most people -- have relationships both big and small that don't work out for tons of reasons unrelated to unrequited love or unforgivable behavior on one partner's part, there are some great reasons to keep someone you care about in your life, but in a different capacity than just an "ex" (for those people for whom it makes sense). And, as one of those people for whom it often does make sense, I have zero tolerance for a new partner's jealous behavior towards an ex/friend, and never really have -- after all, every current partner is, on a certain level, a potential ex (I'm a fatalist, what can I say?), and if a partner really can't conceive of why me and an ex would be great friends after a relationship ended, that says a lot to me about how that partner views romantic attachments and friendships.

So, in general, my reaction would be... extraordinarily negative, were I in your shoes.

That said, you need to ask yourself a couple of serious questions and be really, really honest about them before I can give you carte blanche to take what I think is the general high ground on this issue.

  • Do you really have zero romantical feelings for your ex/friend? Does s/he appear to have any for you? What is your fiancé's awareness of and/or opinion of those?
  • If you have an ongoing sexual attraction to your ex/friend, does that violate anything spoken or unspoken-but-understood in your relationship with your fiancé?
  • Do you think your ex/friend has an ongoing sexual attraction to you? How do you feel about that? How does your fiancé feel about your feelings and those of your ex/friend?
  • Are you inviting your ex/friend because you want that person to be part of your special day, or to show off in any way?
  • Is your fiancé opposed to the friendship, or just the wedding attendance?

In other words, if things don't appear to be "done" in all the ways that you or your fiancé needs them to be done, there are things you have to talk about, openly and honestly -- everything from why you might be attracted to other people from time to time (normal) to what, if anything, you're likely to want to do about it and whether you would do anything about it and how that fits into your understanding with your fiancé. Maybe you need to talk more about why that relationship ended and how you've moved on from the romantic phase of it, or not, and why none of that impacts how you see your marriage. Or maybe you do still carry a bit of a torch for the person and you need to figure out what that means to you, for you, and for both your friendship with the one and your relationship with your fiancé.

And if things are really done but for whatever reason your fiancé doesn't see it, then it's incumbent on him to explain what he's seeing that you're not and for the two of you to honestly assess whether that is a truthful, patriarchal-baggage free analysis of the situation or a bunch of hooey about the fact that you might have loved and/or fucked someone before him and don't hate the person because that's not required after a break-up to get over someone.

Finally, if this is all some thing about the ex/friend showing up for the wedding but not about you two being friends, I hate to break out the -zilla here because maybe your fiancé is totally chill about everything else, but dude needs to get chiller about this. If you'd invite the ex/friend to any other party, there's no reason to leave him or her out of this one unless s/he is going to be all mopey-faced and terrible (in which case, see also: things you probably need to discuss with your ex/friend and also give credit to your fiancé for recognizing).

(Full disclosure: I've also been the ex/friend at three weddings off the top of my head, and was really happy to share my friends' special days with them, our friends and their families. Also knowing too well that, for some people, my attendance might have been an issue, I also appreciated and respected their now-wives more than I did before their weddings for wanting and having me there. So there's that possibility for your fiancé to consider, too.)

Read all the Ms. Opinionated columns here! 

 

Have a question? Email us with "advice" in the subject line. Anonymity guaranteed.

Photo credit: Kate Black, kateblack.com

Bitch Media publishes the award-winning quarterly magazine, Bitch:Feminist Response to Pop Culture. Pitch in to support feminist media: Subscribe today

Subscribe to Bitch


Comments

9 comments have been made. Commenting is set to read-only for this post.

Solid Advice

Super solid advice. The bulleted list of questions are spot on as well. A tenacious dedication to the respect and special care of each other's feelings and how to honor them in each other without compromising one's own authenticity or self-respect is a standard I think in some of the best relationships, and I think this situation is no different. Taking all those things listed into account I believe will be an extension of that, not just for you and your spouse-to-be, but for you and your friend/ex.

Absolutely agree

While I applaud short questions in general, I agree that the specific approach for this depends on the details. If this is a friend whom your fiancé has no issues with in other circumstances, then it's up to him to explain why the wedding is different. If it's someone where your relationship has been fraught/tense previously, then I think you'll need to figure things out now to avoid having an unpleasant situation at the ceremony.

FWIW, I went to an ex's wedding last year and had a lot of fun with her and her family, and my partner had 2 of his exes at our commitment ceremony - we all had a fabulous time.

ex bf at wedding

Great response to this letter writer! And, heck, if her new guy insists on not having the old boyfriend at the wedding, maybe she should offer a compromise: "Fine! I won't invite him to the wedding... Just to the bachelorette party!"

Agreed

Great advice!
One of my husband's ex-girlfriends is one of his closest friends. She not only attended our wedding, but she even served as one of our witnesses (we didn't have any attendants, so we asked our closest friends to be the signing witnesses on our marriage certificate).

A couple anecdotes from our wedding

At our wedding, my matron of honor was one of my husband's exes (she and I had been friends before they started dating, and they broke up long before he and I got together). Her toast at the wedding began "{Name}, I have never been so glad I dumped you..."

So many of my husband's exes were in attendance, we could (and did) fill a table with them.
A few weeks before the wedding, the facility called us about the table numbering. Were we okay with having a Table 13, or did we want to skip the "unlucky" number? We didn't think anybody would have problems with superstition... but just to be certain, we asked who would be at that table. Yup. It was the table of exes. At that point, we HAD to keep that as Table 13.

Before the evening was out, we gathered all the exes for a photo - a tug-of-war with my husband in the middle...

And a good time was had by all.

Piping up to say...

Um, best toast ever.

my testimony

Last month, it was my birthday, the anniversary of my late husband’s death, and a time when I experienced another loss in my family. I was in total depression also because the gentleman I had been seeing for nearly a year decided to cut ties with me. All this happened at the same time, and my heart was broken. Then I found Ekaka email: [email protected] and all my luck turned around – especially because the master did a wonderful spell of Love for me and my dearest companion, who decided he had made a terrible mistake by leaving me. We even took a much-needed vacation. It meant the world to me, and I have you to thank for it. I send you Prayers.

the spell caster that saved my life

My name is Jessica Parker. i am from UK and i have an amazing testimony

that i would love to share with you. I am Happily married to Dr. Nelson

Parker with 3 kids. At the initial stage of my marriage to Dr. Nelson

Parker, i was unable to conceive and this was a big problem to our

marriage and i was at the verge of losing my marriage, my husband had

filed a divorce. i was facing a lot of reproach from people around me. Later

on, we got divorced and my husand was having an affair with another

lady. I was frustrated because He was the man of my dreams and i had

lost him to another woman! i was going through a lot of pains. i had

sought medical assistance and treatment from major Hospitals in my

country all to no avail!!! i was frustrated and for once in my life i had

thought the world has come to an end for me.
One day, on my way back from a Hospital, i stumbled across an old friend.

she had laid a comment that i was looking pale. After giving a narrative of

what had conspire in my marriage, she adviced me to Contact a SPELL

CASTER by name Dr. VENDAVU BUSTULOS. Initially i was relunctant

but later succumb and decided to give it a try as she said that there would

be no complications in the spell casting. I contacted Dr. VENDAVU

BUSTULOS via his email:[email protected] i told him

everything that happened in my marriage and He said that he help me. At

first i did not believe. within 24 hours after he had casted the spell, i

recieved a call from my husband that He was very sorry for the way he

treated me and for leaving me. It was like a fairy tale and it was like a

dream. 2 days after the call, i had a knock on my door and when i opened,

lo and behold it was my Husband with a magnificient Rose Flower

pleading with me to come back to him!! Within a week after my contact

with Dr. VENDAVU BUSTULOS, we had re-married. i later contacted Dr.

VENDAVU BUSTULOS in regards to the issue of my inability to conceive

and he told me that i should not worry about that and that he wpuld help

me, he casted another spell. After sometime, i discovered that I WAS

PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. Dr. VENDAVU BUSTULOS had saved my

life and my marriage. i am now happily married with 3 kids. thanks to Dr.

VENDAVU BUSTULOS. Please Dr. VENDAVU BUSTULOS via his email:

[email protected] for solutions to your problems.

Thanks to Dr. VENDAVU BUSTULOS!!!