Finally, an AMP iPhone App for the Predatory Douchenozzle Set
Let's say that you're out at a bar, and you meet an attractive girl. You want to talk to her, but you are completely devoid of all redeeming qualities and are literally incapable of striking up a conversation with anyone, let alone someone you hope to have sex with. Before now, you'd probably have to run to the bathroom and consult your Tucker Max paperback for potential date rape tactics, but not anymore. No, now there is an AMP iPhone app that will do all of the dirty work of "
manipulating degrading figuring women out" for you.
In case you were unable to stomach/comprehend that video, I'll summarize: Pepsi (on behalf of their AMP energy drink) has organized women into 24 convenient categories. Now, when you meet one, instead of asking her for any information about herself whatsoever, you can guess which category she belongs in (based on looks, natch) and base your interaction with her on the things that your cell phone tells you she probably likes. The categories available are:
Foreign Exchange Student
Indie Rock Girl
Punk Rock Girl
Women's Studies Major
How handy! Literally every woman under the sun is represented! You'll never have to get to know someone again! (And it looks like there is a good chance you'll be able to meet a real-life princess, which is a bonus because she is probably rich.) With this new technology, you'll never have to work to get those hot twins or that Women's Studies Major to go home with you again. Curious about how this works? Wondering how a phone could know everything possible about every type of woman? Well, here is the explanation from AppShopper:
AMP UP BEFORE YOU SCORE is a roadmap to success with your favorite kinds of women—24, in all.
Is she an Artist? Quote some Picasso. Indie Rocker? Here are her favorite songs. Sorority Girl? Good thing you know the Greek alphabet. Know what makes her tick before you open your mouth, so she’ll like what she hears when you do.
Here’s how it works:
1. Identify Her Type
Got your eye on a girl, and aren’t sure how to get started? Pick out her profile, flip the card, and study up quick with a cheatsheet on the stuff she’s into, with lists, links and some surefire opening lines. (Surefire to what, we won’t say.)
2. Keep a List
Get lucky? Add her to your Brag List. You can include a name, date and whatever details you remember.
You got it? Flaunt it. Keep your buddies in the loop on email, Facebook or Twitter.
AMP UP BEFORE YOU SCORE has everything you need to make her look forward to what’s next. (With you, we mean. We’re talking about you.)
See? You're welcome! Politeness! And they make it so easy to BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS about your "score"! I mean, who would have guessed that you could "know what makes her tick before you open your mouth"? (Hint: Part of what "makes her tick" is probably the fact that you haven't opened your mouth yet.) You can take care of all of this on your phone, and your douchenozzle friends can play along. Score, indeed!
Now to be fair, pretty much everyone with a pulse has reported being repulsed by this app since it was released (for free) last week. In fact, Pepsi tweeted an apology earlier today on the subject (Twitter! The new sincerity!):
Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologize if it’s in bad taste & appreciate your feedback. #pepsifail
Yeah, somehow the Tweet doesn't fit the crime here, IMO. It's like Pepsi burned someone's house down and then sent them an e-card to apologize. ("Oops! Sorry if you're upset!") And it seems as though lots of the Twitter feedback is along the lines of "this would all be fine as long as there was one for chicks too" which is, obviously, COMPLETELY missing the point of why this app is a major fail. Shoving human beings into ridiculously offensive categories for the purpose of pretending to be someone you're not so that you can have sex with them under false pretenses and then brag about it to your friends on the Internet is not something that should be made available to all genders. It should be eliminated based on its supreme douchebagginess.
But enough blogging. I'm off to the bar to trick people into having sex with me. Does anyone know of an iPhone app I can get for that?
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