Finally, an AMP iPhone App for the Predatory Douchenozzle Set

Let's say that you're out at a bar, and you meet an attractive girl. You want to talk to her, but you are completely devoid of all redeeming qualities and are literally incapable of striking up a conversation with anyone, let alone someone you hope to have sex with. Before now, you'd probably have to run to the bathroom and consult your Tucker Max paperback for potential date rape tactics, but not anymore. No, now there is an AMP iPhone app that will do all of the dirty work of "manipulating degrading figuring women out" for you.

In case you were unable to stomach/comprehend that video, I'll summarize: Pepsi (on behalf of their AMP energy drink) has organized women into 24 convenient categories. Now, when you meet one, instead of asking her for any information about herself whatsoever, you can guess which category she belongs in (based on looks, natch) and base your interaction with her on the things that your cell phone tells you she probably likes. The categories available are:

Artist
Aspiring Actress
Athlete
Bookworm
Businesswoman
Celebrity
Cougar
Dancer
Foreign Exchange Student
Goth Girl
Indie Rock Girl
Married
Military Girl
Nerd
Out-Of-Your-League Girl
Political Girl
Princess
Punk Rock Girl
Rebound Girl
Sorority Girl
Treehugger
Trouble
Twins
Women's Studies Major

How handy! Literally every woman under the sun is represented! You'll never have to get to know someone again! (And it looks like there is a good chance you'll be able to meet a real-life princess, which is a bonus because she is probably rich.) With this new technology, you'll never have to work to get those hot twins or that Women's Studies Major to go home with you again. Curious about how this works? Wondering how a phone could know everything possible about every type of woman? Well, here is the explanation from AppShopper:

AMP UP BEFORE YOU SCORE is a roadmap to success with your favorite kinds of women—24, in all.

Is she an Artist? Quote some Picasso. Indie Rocker? Here are her favorite songs. Sorority Girl? Good thing you know the Greek alphabet. Know what makes her tick before you open your mouth, so she'll like what she hears when you do.

Here's how it works:

1. Identify Her Type
Got your eye on a girl, and aren't sure how to get started? Pick out her profile, flip the card, and study up quick with a cheatsheet on the stuff she's into, with lists, links and some surefire opening lines. (Surefire to what, we won't say.)

2. Keep a List
Get lucky? Add her to your Brag List. You can include a name, date and whatever details you remember.

3. Brag
You got it? Flaunt it. Keep your buddies in the loop on email, Facebook or Twitter.

AMP UP BEFORE YOU SCORE has everything you need to make her look forward to what's next. (With you, we mean. We're talking about you.)

You're welcome.

See? You're welcome! Politeness! And they make it so easy to BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS about your "score"! I mean, who would have guessed that you could "know what makes her tick before you open your mouth"? (Hint: Part of what "makes her tick" is probably the fact that you haven't opened your mouth yet.) You can take care of all of this on your phone, and your douchenozzle friends can play along. Score, indeed!

Now to be fair, pretty much everyone with a pulse has reported being repulsed by this app since it was released (for free) last week. In fact, Pepsi tweeted an apology earlier today on the subject (Twitter! The new sincerity!):

Our app tried 2 show the humorous lengths guys go 2 pick up women. We apologize if it's in bad taste & appreciate your feedback. #pepsifail

Yeah, somehow the Tweet doesn't fit the crime here, IMO. It's like Pepsi burned someone's house down and then sent them an e-card to apologize. ("Oops! Sorry if you're upset!") And it seems as though lots of the Twitter feedback is along the lines of "this would all be fine as long as there was one for chicks too" which is, obviously, COMPLETELY missing the point of why this app is a major fail. Shoving human beings into ridiculously offensive categories for the purpose of pretending to be someone you're not so that you can have sex with them under false pretenses and then brag about it to your friends on the Internet is not something that should be made available to all genders. It should be eliminated based on its supreme douchebagginess.

But enough blogging. I'm off to the bar to trick people into having sex with me. Does anyone know of an iPhone app I can get for that?

Comments

15 comments have been made. Post a comment.

AMP app

Wow, I never knew that "Twins" was a personality type.

Way to go, Pepsi....not

Part of me wants to see what they say about WS majors, but that would require downloading the thing and having it on my computer.

agreed.

Yes, I think the WS one is perhaps the most repugnant. I'd love to hear what they have to say. This is absurdly manipulative, and really irritates me, as I'm sure it does to most of us.

Keep a list!

Oh. My god. That is so sad. Please, by all means, lets reinforce the idea that women need to be tricked into having sex with losers because we'd otherwise NEVER GO TO BED WITH ANYONE. Is it honestly reassuring to believe that women are basically fucking CARTOON CHARACTERS???

Perhaps it's time to launch an I Won't Date A Guy With An iPhone campaign, to let the company know how much we approve of their little marketing scheme. What's next? "How to roofie your date while she's in the bathroom? There's an app for that!"

Yikes.

I don't think iPhone/Apple

I don't think iPhone/Apple had anything to do with this, but i don't know; do they have to approve third party programs? At any rate, Pepsi needs to be made aware, since it was their marketing department that came up with this crap.

Players

There's actually a large number of books that do EXACTLY what this app does, and have been around for many years, and many very active "player" and "how to score" online communities, which give tips and provide a place for guys to brag about their "conquests". My partner and I were gawking at the section in Barnes and Noble a couple years ago. I'm glad that this is getting press. This is just so horrifying and disgusting.

Wait, were all the women

Wait, were all the women white?

I was curious about this

I was curious about this myself, so I paused when they showed the various "types" of women. There were two or three black cartoon caricatures, so, um...at the very least, this sexist piece of crap has that going for it?

I started writing a devil's advocate comment

about how this is just human nature, it'll never go away, haven't we all looked at a member of the opposite sex and objectified them at some point, etc. etc. ... and then I realized, that is all beside the point.

Yeah we have all looked at a member of the opposite sex just for their body, but that doesn't mean we act on it and go and misrepresent ourselves to them just to get in their pants. Yeah there will always be guys out there who don't have the character to refrain from manipulating their way into sex (or trying to). That doesn't mean that behavior should be legitimized or accepted.

I think stereotyping while always taken with a grain of salt can provide some help at the very beginning of an interaction with a stranger, only until the real person starts to become apparent. The problem is that people use it to make unwarranted assumptions. What it really does is it gives you a hint when you need to guess. But you should never make a guess in a way that leaves you compromised if you're wrong-- that's when it becomes offensive.

But the particular categories here are a mess-- half of them aren't personality types but interests or positions in life as they relate to a particular situation. Almost every woman I know can fit into a few of these categories. A 'businesswoman' can't be 'married'? Heh.

Well, think about this...

Here's the thing. Men are judged by what they do and what they accomplish, while women are judged by what they look like. An app like this just perpetuates that kind of thinking, and while I like to look nice in whatever I decide to wear, I am so effing SICK of being judged for my body. I would much rather be known as that smart person they remember from last week rather than that attractive girl any day. No matter what, I can't seem to have that, and it infuriates me because it makes me feel illegitimate.

That said, sure, you can say stereotypes have a basis, but to perpetuate women as icons further objectifies us into something less than what we are or what we deserve to be. So even Pepsi's apology isn't really fixing the blunder, because they clearly don't understand what they have done. They've effectively proven patriarchy is still an issue.

Also...I'm really irked by the notion of "scoring"...casual sex is fine, but the last thing I want to be is a notch in a belt, because I don't pull that crap on men.

...I just had to put my two cents in.

Wow.

Holy fucking hell, is this real? And did anyone else notice the MARRIED category??

And people wonder if feminism is still relevant.

Hm? Everyone knows that when

Hm? Everyone knows that when a woman gets married, she gives up whichever personality category she previously fit into. Yup, even the twins -- part of the wedding ceremony is when they get shot with a raygun that sticks both of their souls in one Married body. ("Twins" are one person in two bodies, you know.)

Did you not get that memo?

Ridiculous

I agree completely! I'm not sure who should be more insulted by this, the women that it's supposedly going to work ON or the boys that it's supposedly going to work FOR.

I run an international online women's community and we wrote a similar piece about it:

http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/shout-it/before-you-score-app.html

Check it out!

Josephine
powderroomgraffiti.com

This app was definitely made

This app was definitely made for comedic purposes. Anyone who actually downloaded the app can tell that none of these "tips" will work. They are just there for shits and giggles. Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. I'm almost certain that if Dasani Water, or SlimFast made an app that showed women how to pick up men, we wouldn't have a problem.
It's comedy, some will find it funny, some won't. You don't have to download it and you sure as hell don't have to acknowledge it. Move on.

I kind of want to download

I kind of want to download this just so I can see what they have to say in each category ... That part, I can sort of understand as a douchey joke app, but the rest? Pretty disgusting. NOTHING on the internet is private, and Pepsi is promoting naming and shaming? Massive fail.