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Douchebag Decree: Michael Caldwell and Tail of the Tiger

douchebag_decree.jpg

At this point, we probably don't need a refresher on Tiger Woods and his scandal-making behavior. We've all got the 411 on his many mistresses, his alleged sex addiction, his lost endorsement deals, and his overall douche-y behavior. But what do we do with that knowledge? Where do we direct our feelings of disappointment?

Well, if we were Michael Caldwell, the ideas man behind Tail of the Tiger, we'd create a set of 12 golf balls with the alleged mistresses' faces painted on them so that our fellow golfers could literally hit the women in the face with a club. Yep, that's right.

From the website:

Tail of the Tiger Golf Balls are designed to lift the spirits of golfers around the world who are saddened by this loss on many levels – from those who make a living at the game to companies that sell products, to the fans who just love to watch a master practice his craft.

So relax and have some fun with Tail of the Tiger golf balls.

Tiger loves to play with them...now you can too!

Let's break this down. According to Caldwell, these golf balls are designed to "lift the spirits" of those who are saddened by the loss of Tiger Woods from the game of professional golf (which is most likely only temporary, but that's kind of beside the point). How exactly are these painted balls supposed to lift anyone's spirits? I don't know about YOU, but when I'M sad I like to take pictures of women's faces out to a sports field and whack them in the face with titanium clubs until I feel cheerier! (No I don't.)

Here's a video about the product, but be warned: The following video contains high levels of douchiness.


Michael Caldwell says "women love it." Really, dude? We don't buy it.

This "Mistress Collection" is douchetastic in a number of ways. Here are just a few (feel free to add your own in the comments section!):

• Caldwell is suggesting that one "fun" way to deal with disappointment is pretend to hit women in the face.

• This pretending takes place by actually hitting images of women in the face. With metal clubs. As part of a sanctioned sport that has lots of weird and fancy rules (none of which exclude hitting women in the face, apparently).

• The onus of the Tiger-Woods-is-disappointing-us situation is being put on the mistresses. If this is so cathartic, why not put Woods' face on the balls?

• This whole thing is being framed (by Caldwell and the media thus far) as not only harmless but also HILARIOUS! That woman in the video is buying one for her husband! Tiger himself "plays with them" so why not you? It's a hoot!

• Somehow the "Mistress Collection" is also being touted as a fun alternative to actual domestic violence ("better these than the real women"). How about just not hitting them at all period?

• Slut-shaming. What better way to punish these women for having sex with your favorite golfer than hitting them in their slutty, slutty faces? They're the reason your beloved Tiger is out of the game! It wasn't his fault, it was theirs! (Not really, actually.)


The Mistress Collection. Without it, your friends might not know that you're a douche.

So Congratulations, Michael Caldwell. You might not get the catharsis you were looking for, but you'll always have your Douchebag Decree.

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Comments

15 comments have been made. Post a comment.

Could you maybe think about

Could you maybe think about your use of the word douche? You're implying that things that come out of a body's reproductive organs are "gross," or to be used as an insult. Honestly, there are plenty of gender neutral insults without resorting to yet another woman shaming term.

You're not the first one

And I'm sure you won't be the last. But could people please stop confusing the use of the word douchebag with "ew, women are gross?" If this was the "Vaginal Discharge Award," I would understand why people would be annoyed. In fact, I would be too. But it's not.

A douche is a feminine "hygiene" product made to support the notion that a vagina is a dirty, dirty place that needs to be cleaned, yes? As we know, this product is unnecessary, and in fact harmful to women/vagina possessors. The vagina has its own way of keeping things nice. Therefore, douche = bad. To call someone a douche, or a douchebag, is, in my mind, to draw a parallel between their existence and the douche: something that is unnecessary, harmful, and perpetuates falsities about women.

In this context, what could be more perfect?
Of course, Bitch has tried to explain this many, many times, so I don't know why I would think I'd finally be successful...

If I ever thought Bitch put

If I ever thought Bitch put that much energy into thinking about the pejoratives they use, then I'd agree. But they've never clarified and them actually using and putting emphasis on the word doesn't really, in my mind, say they've reclaimed anything. Only that they're sloppy.

scrotum

I have been actively supplanting the "douche" slur with "scrotum", at every available opportunity. That particular male-oriented word seems much more appropriate and putrid as a insult.

because "douchebag" is

because "douchebag" is totally appropriate for a feminist magazine, right?

As far as I am concerned ...

... the word has been "reclaimed" right with this awesome series of features pointing the "middle finger" where it needs to be pointed. Keep 'em up!

Personally, I NEVER use douche. Most of the brands of them that you see advertised and sold at your nearby chain drugstore contain toxic chemicals that are HARMFUL to that precious genital area inside and out, even if it says "all-natural ingredients" on the box (The fine print of ingredients listed will tell you otherwise). All that area of mine needs is a good, soaking bath once in awhile using natural essences that are not harmful to it. There are better ways of taking care of one's junk than using toxic chemicals that potentially do more harm than good. Baths are good. Douches are not.

On Douchebags...

Thanks everyone for your comments! Tati's right, we have had many a reader question our use of the term "douchebag" in this space. We are not fans of douchebags, finding them to be not only unnecessary but actually harmful to women. They were created to make women feel ashamed of their bodies, and we think that's bullshit. That's why we use the term as an insult to be directed at people who are also unnecessary and potentially harmful to women. For further explanation:

- http://bitchmagazine.org/post/douchebag

- http://bitchmagazine.org/post/bitch-popaganda-douches-not-dead-edition

____________
Kelsey Wallace, contributor

Ask me about our Comments Policy!

OIC, you are uh, just

OIC, you are uh, just linking to the Jezebel post, which uses the same logic as the Feministe post. Good journalism there. And I noticed no one really responded to the critics in that first post either. And complete lulz at mixing up your LFOs.

Actually...

@Anonymous #1: Actually, we have put quite a bit of thought into our use of the term "douchebag." Please see the above links, to a blog post and a podcast, for evidence of the clarification that you have found lacking. Rest assured we revisit our decision to use the term nearly every week, and our employment of it is in no way meant to be "sloppy." In fact, we have defended and clarified our use of it many times over.

@Anonymous #2: If you had actually checked the links I posted you would have see that the first is to an original blog post that contains no links whatsoever, and the second is to an original podcast wherein we discuss the relevancy of the term "douchebag." The one link to Jezebel that I believe you are referencing was included only for those who were looking for further reading on the topic.

We appreciate that not everyone supports the use of the term "douchebag," but please don't think that we're using it here without giving it some thought. If we hadn't thought about it, well, that might make us the douchebags.

____________
Kelsey Wallace, contributor

Ask me about our Comments Policy!

1. Do you mean the links

1. Do you mean the links that someone else helpfully posted above? Where you paraphrase Feministe and link to a Jezebel article? Don't get me wrong, but I thought you guys were a little beyond Jezebel at one point. I mean, I certainly haven't seen any "she deserved it" rape blame here. But maybe not. Those aren't concrete points. They're avenues for discussion, one that apparently you all are unwilling to have except to say "WE ALREADY EXPLAINED IF YOU'D JUST LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST." Whatever though, if you're so flimsy in your beliefs that you have to fold your arms and shut the door on discussion, then that's your perogative. Personally, I find douche misogynistic and your paraphra-- I mean arguments without merit.

2. For clarification, I did click the link, it was a paraphrase of Feministe, almost word to word. There was nothing more added to the discussion. Certainly not for something as controversial and weighted as this.

But then, what do I expect. You're still using the term black. Ever heard of PoC? Every other feminist blogger has.

What It's All About?

Bitch Media is about feminist critique so it's no surprise that it attracts and is subject to the most ardent of scrutiny itself.
Pro: Some of the critics are so passionate and clearly regularly reading that you know Bitch is an integral part of their lives. Yay!
Bummer: The insult-tossing being passed off as "discussion" can come across as so venomous and condescending that energy that could be focused on real changes is wasted on seeking the fleeting (and anonymous in this case) glory of just being right.

Anon, Can you please explain

Anon,
Can you please explain why you find the term misogynistic? Bitch has already clarified their position, but I'm fuzzy on yours. Are you in favor of douching as something good? Should we embrace our douchebags? Personally, I think douching is disgusting, unnecessary and implies that women are dirty objects. Much like the guy who created those golf balls. So it's a perfect term for me in this case.

Beth

Douchebag decree

Hey, you guys, get a grip. These balls won't likely be used. They are a collector's item, and a pretty clever one at that. Could even be a win-win situation if the girls can get in on the bucks with their lawyer's help. I'm sure they'll try.

female douchebags

You bitches are full of shit with a capital S!! This coming from the verrrrry SAME hags who bent over backwards to defend that nasty,sleazy dirty old man Clinton even though he bold-faced LIED about 'not having sex with that woman' and NOW you bitches want to act like you have fucking standards?! Please white male celebrities,athletes,POLITICIANS,famous names,and public figures not only cheat but have multiple babies out of wedlock,fuck little girls,date and marry little girls,us eTAXPAYER money for prostitutes,rape, and beat the shit out of their wives. But god fucking FORBID[and apparently he does]that you racist,hypocritical assholes get over your goddamn 'hero worship' long enough to recogzine the white celebrities you give such utter blind devotion and glorification to aren't[GASP!!] perfect. Arnold Schwrazapig groped women for DECADES yet s-t-i-l-l got elected governor and from what I hear doing a reallllllly shitty job well you don't say! Billy CRUDup left his ex when she wae SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT to marry waif Clare Danes 'heartthrob' Tom Brady blew off the mother off his kid to marry big-nosed Giselle yet he's such a 'hottie' who cares if he's also a 'baby's daddy'. And don't EVEN get me started on Spitzer,Edwards,Sanford,the Kennnedys et al. but hey they are white so hero worship comes before being phony feminazi bitches who wear their racism and bulsshit like badges of honor that they take off in public of course lest the bullshit get TOO real for the suckers you peddle it to!!

When bullshit gets real.

Anonymous,

Where are you getting this idea from that we are giving "utter blind devotion and glorification" to white male celebrities? Hero worship? Really? If you bother to take a look at previous Douchebag Decrees (or even at this one, which was awarded not to Tiger Woods but to white male Michael Caldwell) you will see that our Douchebag Decrees know no boundaries when it comes to race, sex, or gender. Anyone can be a douche, after all.

So yeah, I don't think it's fair for you to call us "phony feminazi bitches who wear their racism and bulsshit like badges of honor that they take off in public of course lest the bullshit get TOO real for the suckers you [we] peddle it to!!" Don't worry – we are not afraid of the bullshit getting too real. Maybe it already has with this comment?

~ Kelsey Wallace, Web Editor

P.S. None of us voted for Schwarzenegger.

____________
Kelsey Wallace, contributor

Ask me about our Comments Policy!