Douchebag Decree: James O'Keefe
Remember James O’Keefe? I know sometimes it can be hard to keep tabs on all the douches in this world, so I’ll remind you: O’Keefe was the guy who scandalized ACORN by pretending to be a pimp and secretly videotaping ACORN employees as he asked them to help him set up brothels and evade taxes. If you didn’t think dressing up like a blaxploitation pimp, shaming sex workers, and using dishonestly edited videos to prompt the defunding of an organization dedicated to helping low-income people find housing was enough to secure O’Keefe’s status as Mayor of Doucheville, don’t fret. It just gets douchier from here.
Yesterday CNN broke the story that O’Keefe had tried to punk them just like he punk’d all those evil advocates for the poor, only this time he failed miserably. O’Keefe told CNN reporter Abbie Boudreau that he wanted to meet with her in person to discuss an interview for a feature CNN is doing on young conservatives. But Boudreau was intercepted by Izzy Santa, O’Keefe’s colleague over at the dramatically named Project Veritas, who told Boudreau all about O’Keefe’s boneheaded plan to get her on his boat and…do something.
What O’Keefe thought would go down once he got Boudreau aboard the SS Douchebag is pretty unclear, but what is clear is that it was somehow sexual and very, very ridiculous. CNN got their hands on a copy of O’Keefe’s master plan, dubbed “CNN Caper” by O’Keefe and his cohorts, who are apparently a bunch of old-timey British detectives. List of supplies for the mission include “fuzzy handcuffs”, “condom jar”, Alicia Keys music (Marvin Gaye being “too cliché” for this sophisticated project), and an “obvious sex tape machine.” The plan also includes a script for the seduction, which anticipates that Boudreau would say things like, “You can’t be serious, I’m married,” to which O’Keefe would reply, “We have to make the most of the time we’re given, and we’re being given right now.” Looks like someone’s seen The Notebook a few too many times.
According to the brilliant strategic document, the plan was to embarrass CNN as payback for sending “bubble-headed-bleach-blondes” like Boudreau to “seduce interviewees to get screwed on television.” Because, you know, when you’re dealing with a woman, blondeness and conventional attractiveness are sure signs she’s both a bimbo and a cunning temptress.
From what I can gather, it appears that O’Keefe wasn’t actually planning to try to have sex with Boudreau on the boat. He thought he’d just play at seducing her in order to create “awkwardness,” and that’s what was supposed to embarrass Boudreau and CNN. Ah-ha! It’s the old “embarrass the lady with condoms and Viagra” plan! Works every time! Except, of course, when it backfires and you get a bunch of gooey embarrassment all over yourself.
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