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Douchebag Decree: Douche Roundup! Herman Cain Edition

"ye olde douchebag decree" in blue letters with a light blue hand-drawn douchebag in the background, and "BITCH HEREBY DECLARES THE FOLLOWING PERSON A TOTAL DOUCHEBAG" in small letters in red underneath.

The Republican party can't catch a break, what with all this Herman Cain business. They're sad that everyone's got them figured all wrong. They're jokesters! They're not racist! They will completely believe and support the victim of a high-profile sexual scandal, if only she would come forward! This week's Decree isn't for Herman Cain, who's got quite a collection already. Instead, let's take a look at all of the (Grand Old) party people who take the Herman Cain scandal not as another episode in a long string of disheartening sexual harassment cases, but rather as "OMG THE DEATH OF FUN."

John Derbyshire thinks that those ambulance-chasing lawyers that capitalize on scandals like Cain's are killing the fun. Derbyshire, National Review blowhard and master of the rhetorical question, decided to end this whole ruckus by asking: "Is there any one who thinks sexual harassment is a real thing?" Really, Derb? And I will call you Derb, because if you can make up your own reality where sexual harassment doesn't exist, I can make up mine where I get to call you whatever the fuck I want.

Derbyshire believes sexual harassment is just one of those legal fabrications, like racial discrimination. He also believes that questioning its existence is enough to prove to everyone that it doesn't exist. And because there's not much else to say here (or maybe because the Review pays by the post, not by the word), Derbyshire ends his piece by asking, duh, "Aren't there any grownups around?" #notJohnDerbyshire

Rand Paul sees the Cain case as evidence that women just can't take a joke, sheesh. "There are people now who hesitate to tell a joke to a woman in the workplace, any kind of joke, because it could be interpreted incorrectly," Paul told the National Review, kindly declining to name the names of those poor souls too afraid to joke.

But don't worry, all isn't lost, because Rand Paul still tells jokes. Sometimes. "I'm very cautious," he continued in his remarks to the Review. Independent research verified that he still does tell jokes, though only after thorough consideration, and found his one about the border and the underground electric fence.

Steve King, Iowa representative and another conservative who can only respond to a matter already fraught with questions with yet more questions, asks "Where's the Anita Hill?" Totally reasonable question, if you picture King plucking three darts out of a photograph of Anita Hill's face while asking it. Remember how the DSK case went after everyone found out the identity of the victim? Let alone how things went for the real Anita Hill? I can't imagine the alleged Cain victims want to undergo the same public hellfire.

Never one to miss a party she isn't invited to, Ann Coulter commented on Fox News that "our blacks are better than their blacks," referring of course the superiority of black members of the Republican party over black members of the Democrat party. Because showing solidarity with Herman Cain means reinforcing his token status within the party. Exit Ann Coulter.

I think we can take something away from one of our Douchebag's statements. Like Rand Paul said, you ought to be cautious about what you say; otherwise, people might think you are a douche. People normally understand jokes (OMG EXCEPT THIS ONE) and no one was joking here this week. That's why I decree that John Derbyshire, Rand Paul, Steve King and Ann Coulter are all douchebags.

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Comments

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You missed one.

You missed a douchebag. My current anatomy and physiology professor, I would like to make it known, is a douchebag of epic proportions. I can't even list all the crimes of douchbaggery, let me just say this: I have had to visit with the department head and the dean over his actions twice this semester, and it's not even Thanksgiving break. About the only thing he hasn't done is grope my ass, and I'm just waiting for that one. I almost hope he does so I can finally get him fired. Douchebags like this should not be allowed around young, impressionable minds. They will only create MORE DOUCHEBAGS.

So many Douchebags...

...so little time. I hope you have time to get to Judge William Adams, though. Ugh.