Douchebag Decree: Dem Playmates ain't know nothin'
Ugh, you know when you've been hired as an editor at Playboy, a job that is only given to the most talented, intelligent, amazing dudes ever, and they make you write the bios for the stupid Playmates? Like, completely wasting your talent and intelligence and amazingness on some brainless woman who's just a "blank slate with cleavage"? John Blumenthal sure does. Oh, what's that? You don't know who John Blumenthal is? Hmm...that's weird, because according to him he's pretty much the greatest thing ever. But according to us, he's the recipient of this week's Douchebag Decree (highest honor, yet, Johnny, I'm sure).
Pathetically posted on his OpenSalon.com blog this week, Blumenthal rants and whines (sticking true to the "first class kvetch" classification he gives himself in his bio) about being subjected to actually having to interact with women he essentially describes as completely useless if not for their looks. The Playmate copy is basically a little bio about that particular month's Playmate, but according to Blumenthal, it is more like "the driveling nonsense that attempts to turn an 18-21 year-old woman, whose only real asset is her beauty, into a cultured, sophisticated, grown woman with an interesting background and ambitious plans for her future". At the time he worked for Playboy, Blumenthal was 25 and had just graduated from college with an English degree, which he uses to substantiate his worldliness and amazingness when stacked up against the women he had to interview. He was, and is, so much better than them. I mean, hello, he was an editor at Playboy which is, if I remember correctly, the pinnacle of journalistic aspiration (or, as Blumenthal himself describes it, "known throughout the world as a bastion of journalism"...I'm serious, he said that).
Not only does this douche literally reduce these women to ass and tits, but then goes on to say, "Of course there was no chance of a lowly editor like me having anything even approaching a sexual relationship with any of these gorgeous creatures. That virginal terrain was cultivated exclusively by Hef. How we all admired him for his dilligence and dedication!!" So they're not okay to talk to, but they are okay to have sex with? Is that the rule? Okay, so if you're taking notes, this is how you become as amazing, successful and intelligent as John Blumenthal: you get an English degree (which is totes hard, what with all the reading and writing), you get a job as an editor at Playboy (you betcha, Hearst Awards will be falling in your lap with that gig!), you call the Playmates stupid and yawn when they talk and you can sleep with them, but only because that's all they're good for.
The icing on the misogynistic cake is when Blumenthal is taken aback when a Playmate who has a masters degree is able to form a sentence (actually, paragraphs, for that matter) and write her own bio. Apparently, the other Playmates couldn't read or write (they did not get degrees in English, like Blumenthal did, remember?), or so Blumenthal would have us believe when he describes this particular Playmate as "literate".
I feel sorry for Blumenthal. Not because he endured all those "years of hard living" getting his degree, not because he had to write about Playmates who wouldn't sleep with him (maybe that's where this diatribe on their stupidity is coming from) and certainly not because his intelligence and amazingness was wasted. But simply because I don't know that douchebag will fit nicely on his list of credentials between "professional comedy writer" and "formidable braggart". Johnny Boy, you're not funny, and I'm not impressed with your bragging. You are, however, an outstanding whiner, which is the one classification you got right. Good day, sir.
See also, The Heartless Doll's post on this asshat over at SF Weekly!
Thanks to KJ for the tip!
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