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Douchebag Decree: Birth Control Backlash

Douchebag decree logo reads Ye Olde Douchebag Decree. Bitch hereby declares the following person a total douchebag

It's a little embarrassing to call out Fox News on the Douchebag Decree, because that channel is basically a love letter to this column: "Dear Douchebag Decree, I will always be here for you. You will never be lonely as long as I'm around. Love always, Fox News." But it's also embarrassing to let the outrageously offensive commentary go without reminding the Internet that we DON'T just shake our heads and sigh every time Bill O' Reilly et al. run their fool mouths. We get mad as hell, and we tell people about it. On the Douche slab this week are Dana Perino and the rest of the commentators on "The Five," for their responses to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) requirement that insurance cover the cost of birth control.

August 1st was the OPPOSITE of a douche-y day, for a second, when HHS announced an addition to last year's Affordable Care Act, which will provide women with insurance access to reproductive health care (e.g., birth control, HIV screening and counseling, HPV DNA tests, breastfeeding support, etc) at no extra cost. "WOOHOO!", I thought. "LET'S MAKE FUN OF WOMEN AND ESPECIALLY POOR WOMEN!", thought Fox News. The excerpt linked above was from The Five, Fox's new show hosted by Dana Perino wherein five commentators get together and stereotype each other and themselves into a vortex of offensive, interrupting pseudo-discussion. A choice soundbite:

Who's going to use free birth control? The people who can't afford it. So, the Left has figured out a way to eradicate the poor, and it's by ERADICATING THE POOR!"

Caps lock mine, stupidity Greg Gutfeld's. Perino, who had just gotten done saying she was irritated by "free" birth control because she saw lots of people who could "buy new shoes," and felt like Americans needed to prioritize, laughs during Gutfeld's not-even-close-to-funny comment. Also NO ONE MENTIONED THAT IT IS NOT ACTUALLY FREE BIRTH CONTROL. The HHS Act removes co-pays for women who are already insured. Insurance is ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT NOT FREE. But let's not even start that rant, because the Five go on to argue that "Women should be responsible for their own ovaries," and should not expect taxpayers to cover their breast pumps and birth control, and that HHS is unnecessary because poor women can already get free birth control because they're poor. Ok, so NOW let's start ranting.

First of all, Ye Douchebags, don't you dare argue for independent female organs unless you argue IN THE SAME BREATH for the independence to empty said organs at a woman's own discretion. Independence, like insurance, only works with full coverage.

Next, all birth controls (and breast pumps, but let's pick our battles) are not created equal, and the generics being offered at no or little cost to low-income women are not necessarily the most effective or even SAFEST options for any given patient. I know how you feel about "choice," Fox News, so it's not surprising you wouldn't even think of giving medical choices to people who are all icky and poor and stuff, but you sound like a bunch of idiots when you leave it out on TV.

And finally, there was this egregious, classist, privileged loogey of a comment from Perino herself, via the Ms. blog:

"If you can afford a $5 Frappucino, you can afford a $5 copay."

Mmm. Mocha Tri-Cyclen. But really. This sort of overly-pithy, dismissive language is infuriating in news. Why do research, when Dana Perino sounds so much like she knows everything about coffee drinks AND my birth control options?! Um... because she doesn't actually know a damn thing. Some women have low co-pays on their generic BC pills, but, as was mentioned above, this limits their choice of pill to whatever CAN be paid for with five dollars, side effects and personal compatibility aside. MANY women, however, pay much more, as much as $70 for alternatives like NuvaRings or IUDs. Plus A HELLUVA LOT OF PEOPLE CANNOT AFFORD A FRAPPUCINO OR BIRTH CONTROL EVEN IF THEY COST FIVE DOLLARS.

But that brings us back to poor women (perhaps "blasted" women, too...), and from watching Fox News we've learned that the poor will eradicate themselves any day now. Bring on the new shoes and Frappucinos!!

For a little more on this rant, check out this clip from last night's Colbert Report. Looks we're in agreement as to who deserved this week's Douchebag Decree:

Previously: Chick Beer, the "Beer for Women", Literally Douchey Edition,

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Comments

14 comments have been made. Post a comment.

Excellent. Thanks for

Excellent. Thanks for spreading the word about this. And the video just added to the magic!

Like Colbert says, ALL babies are accidents, and therefore giving the poor BC will ERADICATE ALL POOR PEOPLE. Except, like Bitch noted, BC won't actually be free, but Fox is fully comprised of idiots...

only $70 for a IUD?? that's

only $70 for a IUD?? that's some damn good insurance! the fucking PATCH was $60 a month on mine, bc they considered it a tier 4 drug or some shit.

Boy, Was I Surprised

OMG, ME TOO!! Boy, was I surprised when I thought I could go trot on down to my local Walgreens and pick up my prescribed NuvaRing... Fifty bucks?? Yeah right!! I had to leave it there; nobody even warned me! And I have Blue Cross Blue Shield!!

So I am 27 years old and for

So I am 27 years old and for the first time in my life I have health insurance through my employer. I pay 68 bucks every fourteen days for aetna so no, it's not free. After an unwanted recent pregnancy incident and a 600 dollar abortion, I knew I had to get on birth control, despite what it does to my body. I am now on the cheapest and worst rated pill on the market. I pay 35 bucks per month for the crap. Why the fuck isn't women's reproductive health ever a healthcare priority? I looked into getting a non-hormonal IUD so I could avoid high blood pressure and uncomfortable weight gain and mouth acne ( all of this has started after one month btw) and it's 600 with my insurance. So hey, having insurance is expensive, and reproductive health us even more expensive with it.

Colbert's been an excellent

Colbert's been an excellent feminist ally as of late. I'm so proud to have him on our team!

You're the best

"Dear Douchebag Decree, I will always be here for you. You will never be lonely as long as I'm around. Love always, Fox News."

THE BEST.

____________
Andi Zeisler, cofounder and editorial/creative director

Comments Policy: Like to hear it? Here it go!

Did anyone else notice the

Did anyone else notice the constant refrain that "taxpayers shouldn't be paying for birth control". Did everyone forget that the government doesn't pay for our health care? We had a nationwide discussion about that very fact not too long ago. Insurance companies will be paying for birth control (and eventually us, via a few pennies on our premiums I suppose). Conservatives apparently forgot that they won that battle.

Great

It truly amazes me what people will say in order to make it seem like Free Birth Control is a bad Idea. It's a great idea! I would never spend 5 dollars on coffee and I don't plan on buying new shoes. Not when my pill cost me 95 dollars. I would never even own shoes that before the clearance sale cost that much. Thank you Colbert for standing up for women who need Free Birth Control and putting the those idiots who are against it to shame.

Living in Europe, I find the

Living in Europe, I find the statements of indignation as to why should taxpayers cover something for someone who cannot afford it deeply offensive. And the worst is how internalized and naturalized this opinion in so many Americans, be this a birth control issue or anything else regarding health insurance particularly for those who cannot afford it. I remember talking to an American woman in the German Apls who complained how her taxes supported some black woman with many children and how wrong it was (and no, she didn't even think how wrong the racism of her statement was). I think the problem of the US health care system is first of all an ideological problem of the lack of social responsibility in so many people. I pay my taxes here in Europe which is a lot and most of it is in fact for the healthcare, yes my taxes support someone who needs it and cannot afford to pay for it, but, again, we all could be there someday and even if not, if you're privileged, it's your duty to help those who are less privileged.

It's based on different

It's based on different understanding of government. The US was born out of rebellion against government and taxation. As a result, there is a belief that the government should do the absolute minimum required for society to function, and that as much as possible should be left to the people to handle.

OT

Just to clarify, just because many Americans are against the government being overly involved, does not mean that these people do not help the less privileged. I actually recall seeing an article in the paper a few years ago, about a study that linked increased belief that the government should be minimally involved, with increased donations to charities.

Because I'm under my parents'

Because I'm under my parents' insurance, I believe $300 is taken out of one or both of their paychecks every month! If that's what FOX news considers free,then I'd hate to see what they think a real expense is. Also, even with that large sum coming out of my parents' paychecks, I personally can't have any part of my birth control costs covered because the insurance is through a Catholic hospital, and because I'm over 17 and have no real medical reason to take BC (i.e. irregular period, endometriosis, etc.), I have pay out-of- pocket. So, I was thrilled when I heard about the $8 BC from Kroger until I took them. I never had acne, but I did get pregnancy symptoms for a full year!

That is just crazy. I didn't

That is just crazy. I didn't know that an IUD or nuvaring would cost around $70 a month.

a little off topic, but... i

a little off topic, but... i have no health insurance and do not qualify for mediCAL (although i'm below the poverty line, but that's another story), but have managed to have a free abortion (through temporary mediCAL, only available to pregnant women for some reason), free monthly birth control, free std testing and yearly paps, free morning after pills and more recently, a completely free IUD. maybe there are some programs that people are not aware of? i've never had a problem with reproductive-related-stuff. i just can't afford to see a doctor for anything unrelated to it...