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Let me just say right up front that I don’t expect any of the following from Life&Style, Us Weekly, or any of the other mags barfing their neon coverlines all over the Safeway checkout line: Accuracy, subtlety, reason, nuance, intelligence, imagination, responsibility, or feminism. They’re tabloids about Bachelors and Kardashians, and their douchebaggery is as inescapable and unremarkable as traffic in Los Angeles.

But there’s everyday Hollywood stupid and there’s offensively, egregiously stupid—so stupid that I’m actually almost embarrassed for anyone associated with the product in question. And this week’s Life& Style, featuring the wee Shiloh Jolie-Pitt sporting a cute new pixie haircut, is so emphatically the latter that there was no other possible contender for today’s Douchebag Decree.

People, we here at Bitch HQ have a lot on our plates, and you know how we don’t want to spend our time? Continuing to argue with commenters about our use of the term “douchebag.” We get it: Some of you don’t like the term, and would prefer that we don’t use it. But moderating weekly arguments in the comments section of Douchebag Decree posts has, frankly, grown pretty tiresome. So here’s the deal: We’re going to continue using the term, and those of you who aren’t happy about it are going to have to either use the comments section of Douchebag Decree posts to comment on, you know, the actual posts, or else go to another site where you can rail against the term.

So I was riding in the car yesterday, fiddling with the radio dial, when I was blindsided by a gigantic bag of douchiness, masquerading itself in radio EP form. Coming through the speakers in my friend's Kia were these words (poorly sung, I might add):

Shush, girl! Shut your lips!/ Do the Helen Keller, and talk with your hips!

I'm sorry, what? Do the HELEN KELLER? Because the ideal woman is unable to hear, see, or speak and can only communicate through hip gyrations? Once I recovered from the severe case of douchelash these lyrics brought upon me, I was able to do a bit of investigative research. The song is called "Don't Trust Me," and the offenders performers are the Colorado-based duo 3oh!3. Apparently, this single and its creators are sweeping the nation this summer, delivering a message of doucherty and douchetice for all. Peep the video for further evidence of this:



More decency-defying douchebaggery after the jump!

“Terrible boyfriend? We can fix him. Complete tools transformed into knights in shining armor.” These are the promises of the opening credits of Tool Academy, VH1’s latest trash-tastic series in which women drag their truly terrible boyfriends through a relationship boot camp in hopes of turning them into nice guys. The tools agreed to come on the show thinking it was called Mr. Awesome, a competition to determine “the biggest Alpha male in America.” After they learned the show’s real premise, they all stayed on in hopes of proving themselves to their girlfriends...and winning $100,000 for being the best boyfriend.

If you’re wondering what makes a tool a tool, it appears to be a combination of made-up names (Celebrity, M.E.G.A., Matsuflex, etc.), excessive hair gel, and behavior that’s just…well, look if you dare.

(Note: The videos in this post contain ads. Blame it on VH1.)