Sometimes a simple acknowledgment of douchery just isn't enough.
Sometimes you have to step back and marvel at how consistent, how
dedicated, how impressively shameless a person's commitment to being a
total asshole is. And that's why Bitch has decided it's time to start
recognizing those individuals as the All-Star douchebags they are.
Practically, it just makes sense: We plan to be awarding Douchebag
Decrees for many years to come, and there are some people it would just
be easier to mention once, acknowledging that not only have they
already amassed an impressive body of douchebaggery, they will surely
keep it up for the foreseeable future.
It's in this spirit
that we give a nod today to the lifetime douchechievements of Mrs.
Caitlin Flanagan: author, columnist, wife, mother, professional scold,
and 24-karat-gold douchebag.
I have always kind of liked Katherine Heigl. Maybe it's because I think she has pretty good comedic chops, maybe it's because she is (a little bit) curvier than many of her counterparts, maybe it's because I spent an inordinate amount of time watching Grey's Anatomy on DVD whilst trying to distract myself from a breakup. Whatever the reason, my fondness for her has led me to give her decidedly douche-y taste in film roles a pass for some time now. No longer.
If Sinead O'Connor can rip up a picture of the Pope, then I can certainly call him a douchebag! (See Mom and Dad, I can still make LSAT approved if/then statements). With the recent (read: this wave of crisis) sexual abuse scandal rocking the Catholic church, there is no other choice than to demand more of Pope Benedict XVI and unless he wants to keep being branded a big old doucher, we're going to need some big old action and soon!
Smart Girls at the Party fans, prepare for a disappointment of the douche kind. In order to increase viewers for their second season, the SGATP team (whose first season focused on young girls kicking major ass – check it out if you haven't seen it) is joining forces with Joe Francis (the owner of Mantra Films and the jerkstore behind the Girls Gone Wild franchise) and his band of douchenozzles to create a Girls Gone Wild-type show for tweens. That's right – now, instead of watching tween girls talk about their awesome bands or cool art projects, on Smart Girls at the Party Season Two we can see them flounce around in teeny bikinis holding wet t-shirt contests and seeing who can tie a knot in a cherry stem the fastest. W.T.F.?
Someone should make a bumper sticker that reads So many douchebags, so little time. I'd buy it. Every week when the Douchebag Decree comes around, there are too many douches and it's almost impossible to determine who deserves the honor most. This week, we have two very strong contenders, which is why we need YOU to vote for your (least) favorite in a DOUCHEBAG SHOWDOWN. Two douches enter, one douche leaves!
In an effort to cast a net beyond the sea of my own opinions (most of which involve reality television and hilarious animal photos) I asked for reader feedback on this week's Douchebag Decree. The nominations were many, and all were deserving: The Itawamba School District, for its attempts to ban gay couples from attending the prom. Eric Massa, for allegedly sexually harassing employees in his Congressional office. Ken Cuccinelli, for his letter advising public universities to retreat from their policies against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Ben Roethlisberger, for yet another alleged sexual assault. Douchebags are running amok!
However, one nominee rose to the top of the list for me, especially once I realized this Douche Supreme has never been awarded The Decree before. (I guess it was too obvious?) Congratulations, Howard "Douchemeister" Stern.
People, we here at Bitch HQ have a lot on our plates, and you know how we don't want to spend our time? Continuing to argue with commenters about our use of the term "douchebag." We get it: Some of you don't like the term, and would prefer that we don't use it. But moderating weekly arguments in the comments section of Douchebag Decree posts has, frankly, grown pretty tiresome. So here's the deal: We're going to continue using the term, and those of you who aren't happy about it are going to have to either use the comments section of Douchebag Decree posts to comment on, you know, the actual posts, or else go to another site where you can rail against the term.
At this point, we probably don't need a refresher on Tiger Woods and his scandal-making behavior. We've all got the 411 on his many mistresses, his alleged sex addiction, his lost endorsement deals, and his overall douche-y behavior. But what do we do with that knowledge? Where do we direct our feelings of disappointment?
Well, if we were Michael Caldwell, the ideas man behind Tail of the Tiger, we'd create a set of 12 golf balls with the alleged mistresses' faces painted on them so that our fellow golfers could literally hit the women in the face with a club. Yep, that's right.
It's almost Halloween, which means I'll be a little anxious trying to figure out what the hell to dress as this year, as I do every year. Yet, were I to go to a Halloween costume store and try to find something, I wouldn't really be able to find anything that exciting. Scary, sure. But not in a Halloween scary way. I'd find a lot of ridiculous outfits of all kinds that require garter belts, knee-high boots and close-to-nothing tops but that are somehow "different characters". Yes, it's true that the contention for Halloween costumes for ladies is not a new beef: it's been quite awhile since "sexy" Halloween costumes have been all the rage. But when did Spongebob become sexy? Is Pocahottie seriously a choice? And Strawberry Shortcake in thigh-highs? This week's Douchebag Decree is dedicated to Spirit Halloween Store because if you don't want to bear your bosom in the name of dress up fun, well sister, you're shit out of luck.