What do you get the seven-year-old girl who has everything? Well, if you're Sarah Burge, self-proclaimed "Human Barbie," and the girl in question is your daughter Poppy, you give her a voucher for breast implants for her birthday, and you follow it up with a Christmas voucher for liposuction. Happy Holidays!
The gift that keeps on giving (you a complex about your body).
If you don't want to give Marks the pageviews, Dominion has a nice highlight reel from his article here. Instead of rehashing the (many) negative aspects of what Marks had to say, let's look at some of the incredibly positive, non-trolling responses to Marks' piece that could use your clicks.
H&M is taking fashion douchebaggery to the next level this week by using computer-generated models in its holiday lingerie campaign. As if the photo shopping, airbrushing, pushing up, and sucking in that goes on in a typical yuletide bra commercial wasn't enough to make the average shopper want to throw on a snuggie and call it a day, now the models selling us our delicates are actually virtual.
Ahahaha! We're just hanging out, having the exact same body! What, you don't look like this?
Sports fans everywhere breathed a sigh of relief last week when news broke that the NBA lockout will end on December 25. Yay basketball (go Blazers)! If the lockout were to have to continued, though, some douche-y spectators would've been satisfied anyway, thanks to Rick's (Topless) Basketball League. Started in response to the lockout (because recruiting a team of topless women in platforms and short shorts is a logical response to an NBA lockout), Rick's Cabaret International Inc. is ready to play ball. Especially since their head coach position was filled this week—by former NBA star (and current douchenozzle) Spud Webb.
Trigger warning: This post contains descriptions of rape, molestation, and abuse.
As you probably know, some epic douchiness transpired recently in State College Pa., where Jerry Sandusky exerted his power as an assistant coach at a semi-religious institution (Penn State Football) to (allegedly) rape boys. And in the six days since the indictment on Sandusky dropped, a douche-laden web of white men protecting the job and reputation of another (alleged child rapist) white man has been revealed.
Oh "light" beverages. When will you stop freaking out and shoving your unnecessarily constructed masculinity in our faces? The latest in this long line of I'm-so-manly-it's-sexist diet drinks (predecessors include Miller Lite, Pepsi Max, and Coke Zero) is none other than Dr. Pepper 10, with a new ad campaign that screams IT'S NOT FOR WOMEN.
What makes a calorie manly? A tiny patch of chest hair and a miniature disdain for womanly calories? Read on to find out!
Sometimes it seems futile to try and separate the wheat from the douche from week to week in politics. You just want to give up. I mean whyevenbother? But persevere, everyone, because this week we really got one. We found someone who's douchetastic, factually inaccurate intrusion into women's health actually made Rick Perry look reasonable. Her flagrant douchery even inspired an auxiliary wave of Internet slut-shaming. That's right, it's Michele Bachmann.
In 2009, two adult children filed a lawsuit to sue their mother, Kimberly Garrity, for more than $50,000 in "emotional distress" damages. At the time, twentysomething Steven II and eighteensomething Kathryn alleged their mother failed to do her motherly duties thereby accusing Kimberly Garrrity of bad mothering. All rise for Judge Decree...
It's a little embarrassing to call out Fox News on the Douchebag Decree, because that channel is basically a love letter to this column: "Dear Douchebag Decree, I will always be here for you. You will never be lonely as long as I'm around. Love always, Fox News." But it's also embarrassing to let the outrageously offensive commentary go without reminding the Internet that we DON'T just shake our heads and sigh every time Bill O' Reilly et al. run their fool mouths. We get mad as hell, and we tell people about it. On the Douche slab this week are Dana Perino and the rest of the commentators on "The Five," for their responses to the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) requirement that insurance cover the cost of birth control.