In the frenzy of cable news chatter that followed Tuesday's State of the Union address, one pundit stood out in the crowd, a beacon on a douchebag hill. The Wall Street Journal'sStephen Moore out-douched the considerable competition by employing the age-old tactic of saying stuff is like rape when it is not even kind of like rape.
Straight from the "people still do this?" department, the Governing Board of the Tucson Unified School District responded to pressure from creepy Arizona Tea Party officials by dismantling the district's Mexican-American Studies program, and last week they announced they were preventing many of the books from being used in school curricula. Among the authors banned are Leslie Marmon Silko, Paolo Freire, Rodolfo Acuña and William Shakespeare. The state's war on ethnic studies speaks to a larger battle that seeks to silence the voices and histories of the large Chicano population in Arizona.
Remember what a douchebag Johnny Depp was last year when he compared his many celebrity photoshoots to instances of rape? You'd think his fellow actors would have learned from his mistake that "rape" is not a word that can be thrown about to describe any mildly uncomfortable situation, but some actors obviously did not get the message. Earlier this week actress Kim Novak, star of the 1958 Hitchcock Classic Vertigo, took out a full-page ad in Variety magazine to blast new film The Artist for ripping off Bernard Hermann's famous love score from Vertigo. While Novak could have expressed her disdain for the film's creative choices with any manner of unoffensive language, she instead used the full-page rant to accuse the film of "raping" her.
What do you get the seven-year-old girl who has everything? Well, if you're Sarah Burge, self-proclaimed "Human Barbie," and the girl in question is your daughter Poppy, you give her a voucher for breast implants for her birthday, and you follow it up with a Christmas voucher for liposuction. Happy Holidays!
The gift that keeps on giving (you a complex about your body).
If you don't want to give Marks the pageviews, Dominion has a nice highlight reel from his article here. Instead of rehashing the (many) negative aspects of what Marks had to say, let's look at some of the incredibly positive, non-trolling responses to Marks' piece that could use your clicks.
H&M is taking fashion douchebaggery to the next level this week by using computer-generated models in its holiday lingerie campaign. As if the photo shopping, airbrushing, pushing up, and sucking in that goes on in a typical yuletide bra commercial wasn't enough to make the average shopper want to throw on a snuggie and call it a day, now the models selling us our delicates are actually virtual.
Ahahaha! We're just hanging out, having the exact same body! What, you don't look like this?
Sports fans everywhere breathed a sigh of relief last week when news broke that the NBA lockout will end on December 25. Yay basketball (go Blazers)! If the lockout were to have to continued, though, some douche-y spectators would've been satisfied anyway, thanks to Rick's (Topless) Basketball League. Started in response to the lockout (because recruiting a team of topless women in platforms and short shorts is a logical response to an NBA lockout), Rick's Cabaret International Inc. is ready to play ball. Especially since their head coach position was filled this week—by former NBA star (and current douchenozzle) Spud Webb.
Trigger warning: This post contains descriptions of rape, molestation, and abuse.
As you probably know, some epic douchiness transpired recently in State College Pa., where Jerry Sandusky exerted his power as an assistant coach at a semi-religious institution (Penn State Football) to (allegedly) rape boys. And in the six days since the indictment on Sandusky dropped, a douche-laden web of white men protecting the job and reputation of another (alleged child rapist) white man has been revealed.
Oh "light" beverages. When will you stop freaking out and shoving your unnecessarily constructed masculinity in our faces? The latest in this long line of I'm-so-manly-it's-sexist diet drinks (predecessors include Miller Lite, Pepsi Max, and Coke Zero) is none other than Dr. Pepper 10, with a new ad campaign that screams IT'S NOT FOR WOMEN.
What makes a calorie manly? A tiny patch of chest hair and a miniature disdain for womanly calories? Read on to find out!
Sometimes it seems futile to try and separate the wheat from the douche from week to week in politics. You just want to give up. I mean whyevenbother? But persevere, everyone, because this week we really got one. We found someone who's douchetastic, factually inaccurate intrusion into women's health actually made Rick Perry look reasonable. Her flagrant douchery even inspired an auxiliary wave of Internet slut-shaming. That's right, it's Michele Bachmann.